Two sleeps to go

I imagine that most families that celebrate Christmas have some sort of countdown similar to ours. We have counted down the sleeps to Christmas for many years now and we also use a similar countdown to other major events, but Christmas is the big one. So as you can see there are two sleeps to Christmas.

I recall counting down the sleeps when I was a child in Ireland. I remember waiting for Christmas morning to arrive to see what treasures Santa would bring. I vividly recall a Christmas when I sat by my bedroom window straining to hear the bells from the sleigh. I would sneak downstairs  in the hopes of catching Santa in the act. Unfortunately I was never successful at catching him, he was too quick for me, and of course all others.

Moving forward to my years of being a father to young ones, I recall their excitement as they waited for the big day. When they were little we had a birthday party for Jesus on Christmas eve, dressing Josh up as Joseph and Alex as Mary with baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling cloths in her lap. Somehow they do not want to dress up any more. In those days we would have the countdown as I did when I was much younger

Now that they are older and even though there are no teens in this house, the excitement is still there. Now they enjoy shopping and purchasing for others. They have caught the joy of doing something to bless others. They realize how much of a benefit there is in watching the eyes of the receiver as they open a gift planned and bought in love.

What an amazing transition, from wide eyed child to wide eyed father watching my beloved children as they have traversed the pages of time and seeing them with new eyes as their adult lives have begun to unfold. My gift this year will be watching them  give to others without reservation and to their Mom and I.

Two sleeps to go and I am eagerly anticipating being awoken early on Christmas morning by a 23 and 20 year old as they prolong their tradition of serenading us awake to their version of "We wish you a Merry Christmas". How else would I want it?

Two sleeps to go and I am so excited.

The shopping is done

Wow, unlike previous years I am finished with my Christmas shopping. For gifts that is. There's lots to do for the big meal yet, but I have completed the task of shopping for gifts for my beloved.

Now what?

I have time to stop.  That's an interesting sentence, "I have time to stop". The hustle and bustle have been completed and I have no other reason to go and negotiate for parking spots or anything else in the mall or on "main" street.

Now, my focus is on my final preparations for Christmas, which of course is so much more than a day. Christmas is a season, a time, a state of mind. In preparation I have been trying to read the applicable scriptures and A Christmas Carol. Now, I can stop and enjoy the warmth of the fire, the sweetness of the tea, the soothing of gentle music, the smell of ink on page and the sounds of my family as they laugh with and at together.

Now I can stop and think about the choice that was made long before the universe began. I can think about when the fullness of time God sent His son, born of a woman to redeem all of us who are "under the law". I can wonder, question, and scratch my head until my fingers ache and still not understand how this came about and yet it doesn't matter how because I know why. Why did all this happen? It did not happen so we could enjoy the season, it didn't happen so we could sorrow over those who will be missing from the table, it didn't happen to allow us to lavish our love on one another, not it happened because God wanted to lavish His love on us.

Simple really. He loves us so He sent us our "get out of jail free card" if I can be so crass.  This creation He loved needs a redeemer kinsman and this little babe in swaddling clothes grew to be the redeemer kinsman. We could only be bought and redeemed by one who understood our station, who know what it means to hurt, who knows what it means to be overjoyed by love, who knows what it means to cry.

Yes, the shopping is done, the final price is paid, the most amazing gift has been given.

What will you do with this gift this Christmas? Will you accept it or give it back. It cannot be regifted because everyone has been offered this gift. What will you do with this Christmas gift? It is time. The  question "now what" has been answered.

Yes or No?

Your eternal life hangs in the balance.

How are you preparing for Christmas?

So, with all this talk of buying and giving and wanting and all that what are you doing to prepare for the big day, or the season of Christmas? It's here already, the season that is, but what else are you doing to make it special for you and others.

 Some watch all the Christmas specials, the old ones, I cannot get through Christmas without seeing "A Charlie Brown Christmas", or Boris Karloff in "How the Grinch stole Christmas". Others put the music on, for me it has to be "The Messiah" and a collection of my favourite oldies, "White Christmas", the "Chestnuts" song by Nat and even "The Littler Drummer Boy" duet with Bing and Bowie. Others read the Luke 2 version and still others read Dickens' "A Christmas Carol".

We can't just let Christmas come without preparing. I'm not talking about the purchases, the food, the tinsel. I am talking about the emotional stuff that causes us to remember. I remember the first time I watched Charlie Brown and heard Linus speak those famous words about shepherds in the field. I cry every year when I watch the cartoon. Why? Because Charles Schultz got it right when he used the peanuts gang as an inclusive troupe to tell the real story about Christmas.

For me this year, I am reading A Christmas Carol. I don't like the Alistar Sim original version of the movie, I much prefer books. I will also spend time reading the gospels as they tell the story and charge us to "tell it on the mountain". Of course music will be playing regularly as I and we prepare for our son to be "Home for Christmas".

I am preparing for that 11 day period when the family foursome is finally together again, possibly the last Christmas we spend together in Canada for some time. His work may require him to be away next year and we will endeavour to join him wherever he is, so that we will be together for the Christmas season.

I am also preparing by thinking of those who are no longer with us on this earth. Both my parents passed at Christmas time over the years and you know of the loss of our friend this August. I will miss my Mom and Dad and my friend Ruth and will continue to do some of the things that my parents taught me about Christmas as part of a tribute and as a passing on of tradition and memories.

No matter how you are preparing for the celebration of Christmas, make time to remember why we celebrate Christmas. In the midst of the food, fun, gifts, movies, music and pandemonium take a moment and thank God for Jesus.

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat and so are we

Snow is falling, carols are playing, presents are being purchased and wrapped, the malls are busy, the roads are clogged and for the most part, people have started to become pleasant again. Why is it that during the Christmas season a certain pleasantness comes over people? Well, except in the parking lot of the mall where finding a spot is a little like the proverbial needle ion the haystack, or more appropriately, the white iphone in the snow bank.

I love Christmas, I have the perfect picture in my mind as to how Christmas should be, it's a little between the "ideals" magazine and a Rockwell picture. But, it often ends up a lot more like an Escher picture. Why? We(myself included) set amazing expectations for ourselves and others about how Christmas should be. But it's never like that is it? Christmas brings disappointments just as every other day does.

There is a way to change and eliminate the disappointments and that is to change the focus. I wonder what would happen if we all agreed to stop spending outrageous amounts on each other and even on people we may not like and give all that money to a shelter for abused women or a mission who feed people who live on the street? Oh to assuage our guilt we may throw a few bucks into the kettle as we walk from store to store racking up hundreds nay thousands of dollars on credit to make others "happy".

I am starting to sound angry and I am ...........at myself. I love my family and friends, do I need to buy them things to show my love? I already have too much compared to 80% of the people in this world. When do we make changes that make differences to other people?

Emmanuel had everything, but he found that obedience was more important than holding onto a crown. So on that first Christmas in an amazing feat, He took off His crown and became a man child. He came that we would be forgiven and not have to buy our way into heaven, that would have been impossible. "O Holy Night" is playing as I type and the third verse says

"truly He  taught us to love one another, 

His law is love and His gospel is Peace

chains shall He break for the slave is our brother 

and in His name all oppression shall cease"

Instead of becoming fatter (like the goose) this year, why not give to someone else and show a little piece of that love to another person who really needs that tie, scarf or whatever. Do something to cease the oppression of poverty, homelessness and abuse. Maybe, just maybe that joy you give will continue as others bring joy and that peace that we all so desperately need will come.

Merry Christmas...................................your move..................and mine!

Christmas is coming

I am not on Facebook by choice.

I have enough electronic stuff to try to use without trying to use one to get friends. However, my beloved called me into the office a few hours ago to ask me to watch something that she had just received on Facebook.

I was blown away, I was in tears, I was awestruck. Just once I would love to be surprised by this even if it was in a mall. One thing, besides the quality of the musicians that struck me was the people who although not performing, stood. They stood in honour of the one who was being sung about and sung to.

How inspiring.

May you use this and other methods to prepare for Christmas. Some of you, just like my family will "celebrate" this Christmas with the absence of a loved one. This will undoubtedly be difficult, but focus on the reason for the season. We celebrate Christmas because death no longer has a sting, because the  grave has lost its' victory. 

We celebrate because of the birth of a babe in Bethlehem. His 33 years mean more than the sum of all time, because "He shall reign for ever and ever.............Hallelujah" 

Thank you Mr. Handel, thank you choir and thank you Jesus.

Let the journalling begin

I received a beautiful journal for my birthday. I found that it was too heavy and when opened it there were no lines on the pages. I need lines to keep myself "in line". Yes a bad pun, but the truth hurts sometimes.

So, we returned the one I received and substituted it for a smaller one with lines. It also has refills, so when this one is finished, I can simply take it out of the book and file it for safe keeping, start a new one and go from there.

Once again, I have to determine where the journal begins or ends and the blog begins or ends. Maybe they will overlap, maybe they won't, who knows?

Wish me well as I start a new phase of writing. Speaking of writing, I am thinking of taking some writing classes. Maybe this is one of those dreams that percolate until they over flow into something with a life of its' own. It has been a thought of mine for some time. I have a subject and a theme (it's a secret). I need to research some more and then put pen to paper.

I will be writing long hand. I just purchased a fountain pen (wouldn't you just love to have a Mont Blanc?) except it had a flaw and they didn't have another. So they (the writing store) are in the process of ordering a new one for me (it's not a Mont Blanc either). Maybe the journal will become the basis for the subject.

Check out the progress here. I am unsure what handle I will give to it, but it will be easily identifiable, I hope.

I am weary of Grief

Grief has visited me again, or maybe it just never left.

I am a linear thinker and I seem to live this way too, I have discovered that grief doesn't follow a stated path, it comes and visits me for a while, then it leaves me, sometimes in peace, often not. It never announces that it is returning, it just shows up, often at the worst times. Honestly, is there ever a good time for grief? I'm not sure if that was rhetorical.

And now, following a lovely day celebrating my life with loved ones and new friends, it, my other new friend, returned. I wonder if it is related to despair. The type that comes from something being "just not right". I don't know anymore.

I can't control it. I can't make it follow a logical path. I can't stop it and I hate it. I know that there is supposed to be great healing from living through the pain and the reward for perseverance is just that. It is isn't it? I've always thought that if I just persevere through the tough stuff that a reward is at the end of that time. Maybe there is no reward, maybe it is just the knowledge that I accomplished what I set out to do.

I just don't know anymore...........................

Being this type of tool is a good thing

It has been a wonderful day. I can't recall a better birthday. I received wonderful gifts including the gift of reflection from many. Gifts as a love language is near the top in my list of love languages. However today has not been filled with literal gifts, and yet I received a number of very nice gifts. Today has been filled with people. It has been filled with my the joy and gracious love of my beloved, it has been filled with the gift of contact by both of my two amazing children, now adults. They have taught me much in their 23 and 20 year life spans. It has been filled with phone calls from family members and posts on my beloveds face book from friends, it has been filled with calls and text messages from friends old and new and filled with contact and even gifts from my new small group.

It has been a day filled with blessings. One of those is a gift from new friends. A book by a favourite author about called "Shaped by God". This book deals with the idea that as we go through trials that God uses them to shape us into better people and better tools for His service.

I want to be a "tool" that is used to help others become who they were created to be. I realize that this type of tool must be used, sometimes in difficult settings to accomplish those tasks. I know that sometimes this type of tool  is dropped and dented, is placed too close to a source of hear and risks being burned. I still want to be that tool.

As birthdays go, this has been one of the best.

Thanks to Jo, my beloved, thanks to Josh and Alex my Christ follower children who depend on Him daily for their every need. Thanks to my friends for calling and writing. Thanks to my family(biological and otherwise) for your calls, emails and your love. Why one man should be so blessed is beyond  my capability to understand.

What have I done to deserve this? That questions is often preceded by a calamity. This is no calamity, this is beautiful, this is life, this is God's love for me and for all, for He did not come to condemn me or the rest of this world, but to save me and the rest of this world through Jesus.

Thanks God for making me a tool to be used in your workbench.

A new journey begins

If you have read the previous post from this morning you will know that today is the anniversary of my birth. I was (and remain) the 5th child in birth line but not the last of my parents. There are two more who followed me. I am the second male, preceded directly by a brother who suffered much and three sisters whose lives differed greatly from my brothers in ways that remain undefined and unspoken and unclear with many remaining questions which will never be answered.

For many years now I have tried to express my thoughts and other things in a journal. I have tried different formats and books and even online. Then I discovered the practice of blogging thanks to Kevin Presseault. I have truly enjoyed blogging however there are limits to what seems like a limitless method of communication. There are so many comments/thoughts/feelings and even opinions that I would like to state but I am hamstrung by civility and the possibility of a lawsuit that prevents me from putting the thoughts on the blog.

So (and yes I am now finally getting to the point), I have decided to return to the world of journalling effective immediately. I asked for a journal for my birthday and received a beautiful book this morning. Do not fear or fret, the blog will continue. I need a lighthearted way to get some things out and there still resides the possibility that the obscure musical lyric (OML) will return. On another note(pun intended), the OML will be taking a new form soon. For those of you who read this at my place of employment, the company newspaper ATB will start publishing a version of the OML probably in the new year.

Funny, I am listening as I write. the song "Time Was" is on the playlist currently with the opening line of "I've got to rearrange my life, I've got to rearrange my world". I guess that starting to journal will help me to rearrange my world and place the important things first.  

It may be difficult to define what goes where at first, but I anticipate that in time life will find a way of sorting itself out.

Peach and Shalom to you all

A Momentous occasion

And what would that be I wonder? In the space of the last three days, I went from having a teenager in the house to having no teenagers at all and I turned 53. When we say turn what exactly do we mean anyway. In my younger days I recall a "turn" as being something not so good as in "he's taken a bad turn". But birthdays are not necessarily a bad thing, so what exactly is meant by the term turn?

It's my birthday today. I am surrounded by love, not just because it is "my" birthday, but because I have so many people around me who are loving and who love me. Before anyone human I must consider the Creator who "knew me in my mothers womb", who "knit my bones together", who "love me so much He sent His son to die not to condemn me but to love and save me". In this temporal world I think first of my beloved who demonstrates unconditional love better than anyone besides the Saviour, I think of my kids who love and respect me, I think of the rest of my biological family and while I do not always hear from them, I always hear from my sister Margaret, who loves me. I think of my new "father" figure Stan, who in spite of losing his daughter and his wife finds so much room in his heart to demonstrate love to all the "family". I would be remiss to forget my in-laws who have loved me since I first began to date their daughter way back in 1976. They are loving, forgiving and obviously very patient.

There are people missing today. I miss my parents. Without them, I would not be here. While that is painfully obvious to all, their influence either good or bad remains. I miss friends from long ago, a song called "for absent friends" expresses some of my feelings at this time, a particular line which says:

"looking back at days of four 

instead of two, 

years seem so few, 

heads bent in prayer 

for friends not there"

I miss my Mom and Dad and I miss my friend Ruth today on my birthday. I wish I could hear her speak truth in to my life just one more time. She, like the priest in the song was "close to God". Now, she is living with God and I wonder if she hears me?

Yes, it is a momentous occasion, and I must take these moments with the living, not slumber or sorrow with the dead or pine "for absent friends". 

I am here and I will celebrate with the living I will share my joy for it is a joyous occasion to celebrate the gift of another year.

The times they are a changin'

Take a look a liitle south of here and see how things are changing.

The republicans and conservative folks in the U.S. are throwing out big government and waste and voted for change yesterday.

How does this affect us? I think there are many ways, but most importantly, it demonstrates the ability of the people to assess leaders and how wrong they actually are and then by using their civic responsibility, get them out, not necessarily by Friday, but get them out.

A one term president (especially this one) is the best thing that could happen to that nation.

Congratulations and let the hand wringing begin.

Tending the soul part deux

I've been working with someone for the past few weeks who is trying to help me to "tend my soul". He is gentle and kind. He cares for me and he listens and doesn't judge me for my feelings about loss. Too many people want me to just "get over it" and my grief is making them uncomfortable. This drives me to guilt, because I am now feeling responsible for the discomfort of others due to my grieving.

What a whacked out world we live in. How can I feel guilty for grieving? Clearly, I need to work on a few of these things.

My friend started by having me read a portion of scripture (aloud), he said that Jesus was Jewish and they read scripture out loud. The he asked me to journal my thoughts after meditating on the scripture verse. I struggled with this and he now reviews the scripture and then writes encouragement to me. He is a true friend.

So, the soul is being tended. Where this leads us, who knows except this, we are in the right direction, I hope.

Taking time

I realize that I need to take time to "tend my soul".

We live in a society that reinforces the busy and does not usually recognize the need to "take" time for reflection and thought processing. Too many times I find myself day dreaming and then feel guilty because of the clock on the wall and the demands it places upon me.

Our western work ethic demands so much of us and what does it give? I have my own work ethic, it says give my employer a fair days work for the wages that they give to me. It doesn't always set the traditional time frames for goal accomplishment, but rather looks at the goal and fits it in when appropriate.

I used to take a day away from work for prayer and quiet meditation every 3 - 4 months. I have not done this in several years mainly due to changes at the Monastery where I attended. It has come to my attention that they are returning to a monthly format again and I can't wait to go.

I also have friends who own a beautiful b & b called Applewood Hollow who have offered for me to spend a night or two there if I need to get away for some solitude. What you see in the photo above is the entrance to the third room which is set aside for people who want to get away for some silence, solitude and to "tend their soul".

I need to stop thinking and start planning. While I await, the drudge of grief continues.

Tending the soul

I met with someone last week who helped me see through some of my grief and who also helped me to understand that I can permit myself to grieve. To be honest, I'm not even sure I know how to grieve. All I know is that I miss my friend/mentor/mother figure so much that it physically hurts. This comes at a time in my life that I am ostensibly out of physical pain and the emotional pain of loss is overtaking me.

My counsellor/friend suggested that maybe now is the time to "tend my soul". I really liked the wording, I think that's what he said and I would really like to do that, but, I don't know how. I read scripture more out of practice than interest, I admitted that I have great difficulty praying, to which he stated "ask others to pray for you".

How does one "tend the soul" though?

I think I have some learning to do and some planning. It's time to schedule some alone time and some time away with my beloved who may be suffering some collateral damage because of my grief experience. She too misses Ruth terrible and her death has shaken us.

Time heals, apparently.

To sleep and rest some more

I changed plans this weekend. I was supposed to be away with 56 guys at a lake in cottages attending a men's retreat. I agreed to attend, in part because some of my friends asked me to be there. Part of me really didn't want to be there though. I came home on Friday confused about my decision. I decided to take some rest and then make a final decision.

I finally decided that I would not attend the retreat and once I did that I felt like a mountain had been taken off my shoulders. I called and emailed those closest to me to advise of my decision and to a man they support me, thanks guys. Above you can see a photo from last years retreat and this is what I would have seen again.

I need rest. I need a break and spending the weekend busy with retreat things will not have allowed me to do this. Will I have missed some positives, of course. But, I slept 12 hours last night, I don't normally sleep that much and I would not have gotten that rest at the cottage with the guys.

There is more rest needed. I need to rest from grieving, and I don't know how. Grief has taken and gripped me in a fierce battle. I have fought it and endured it, I have cried and sobbed and I still cannot shake it. I need help and decided that I needed to reach out and get some help. I am meeting someone on Tuesday at his office to talk about my grief, my feelings, my pain and I want to live in this grief and experience it deeply and then I want it to go!

I want to remember my friend for so much more than my warm living hand on her cold head. There are times that this is all I can remember and it crushes my heart like a grape is crushed for juice, without mercy. I hope that with time, this grief observed will help me to better understand the depth of love that I have for her and most importantly the depth of love God has for me. Knowing His loss, He still loved me, knowing my loss, He still loves me and He is not offended by my anger, frustration or disappointment.

I need to rest some more.................

I need to.........................................

I need............................................

I...................................................

honesty, truth and friendship

For over two years I have been sharing time in the morning every Monday to Friday with some very dear friends. One of the friends has since passed and I have written often about my struggle with losing her. With her passing I didn't know what would happen with these conversations, now I call her husband every morning to share a little of what I have "discovered" from my daily bible reading adventures.

This morning out of all the verses that I read one little verse from the book of proverbs stood out. Proverbs chapter 24:26 states: "an honest answer is like a kiss of friendship". I shared it with my friend and the words, honesty, truth and friendship just stuck out.

Honesty, Truth and Friendship. Is there anything else that we could ask for? Does my life have definition based on them? Can we actually share those with anyone?

Obscure lyric, is it the right time for a return?

Someone stopped me in the halls of work today and let me know that he missed the "Obscure Musical Lyric" contest.

It has been some time since I decided to give it a rest. I have been thinking of resurrecting it again lately. I miss the weekly foray into the recesses of my trivial mind. So, if you have anything to say about this let me know what you think. Feel free to comment or to email me, you should be able to find my address somewhere on the site.

I'm game to start up again. It just might be a tonic (no Gin) that I need to help me with some of the difficulties that I currently face. Thinking logically about this though, it means that I have to work out some logistical issues because I will be away for two weeks, one each in mid November and mid December.

Maybe we should delay the resurrection until after Christmas, yes Christmas not the holiday season. Hey it's my blog, I'll call it what I want. Now you know where I stand on all that pc crap.

Grief is taking its' toll

If this was a toll road, I would be broke already.

I am having a really difficult time dealing with the loss of Ruth. My friend in the picture to your right. She left us on Aug.18/10 after a short battle with cancer. Cancer won that battle, but the war has been won by the one she trusted in completely.

That leaves me and many others in the wake of her absence. In my professional work I have encouraged countless others to "take advantage" of their EAP or Employee Assistance Program and have been known to advise that "the strong ask for help" but the weak think they can do it on their own. The "it" being the life demands that come flying at us in no uncertain order after a significant loss.

The phrase, "physician heal thy self" is screaming at me. I have managed numerous issues for others yet have not followed my own advice..............yet. Today I began reading C.S Lewis' "A Grief Observed" and I am unsure what it has done for me yet. I have decided with the help of my beloved to reach out to a professional for help in this grief process. We will see if this will help me deal with the enormous weight that is my grief. It is compounded by the joy I have in other areas of my current life. I have overcome a huge obstacle and I want to celebrate it, but her loss is holding me back and I manufacture joy for the benefit of others.

The world goes on after someone dies. Friends with no intended malice forget about  concerns because their lives are filled with their own issues. Most people have to get on with their lives, most people don't get more than a day or three off to grieve. After that most are expected to just "suck it up buttercup" and not impose our grief on the lives of others. Few, if any understand. One does, though. I know one who cares and I am so thankful for him, his comments and his friendship. But he is rare. Most want to offer platitudes that hurt almost as much as the loss. Idiotic comments like "at least she's not in pain anymore" do nothing to help assuage the torrent of grief. Yes, I know where she is and I know who she is with and I still miss her in ways that I can barely explain.    

As I start my day she is in my mind, as I watch the sunrise I see her smile and in the rain I see and feel my tears. The tears of loss that drop seamlessly

I can't do it. I can't get her out of my head. There is so much about her that I miss. I miss the contact, the depth of her biblical knowledge, the wisdom that came from her obedience, the love that came from surrender. Truly her freedom came from a bended knee, very much unlike Eddie Vedder.

Help wanted is the sign on my consciousness. In these days of mass unemployment, I am trusting that this professional will do her work and help me manage this hurt.

Dreams should be greater than memories

I heard a piece of a message from Chuck Swindoll on the radio today. I don't remember anything except this quote, "dreams should be greater than memories".

For some reason, I have once again been immersed in thoughts about dreaming. I know that I have lamented the lack of dreaming on my part and the paucity of dreamers that are somewhat rational.  I believe that thoughts come for a reason. Within me lies a dreamer who has become afraid to dream. I am pushed to the limit by the lack of authenticity in my life because I seem to just be filling roles for the sake of making time count.

If my dreams are to be greater than my memories then what can i dream about? What is there out there or in there for me to dream and hopefully go beyond dreaming and put it into action. I am still working on "Into the Wild" and trying to learn from Chris McCandless and the other dreamers who gave up normalcy to accomplish their dreams.

I have to first allow myself to dream and I have to move the dreams from their present hidden place in my consciousness and bring them to the fore. Exactly how I do that is a lingering question. If I accomplish that, what happens then? I immediately began to think and write from a negative perspective I " can't" do that because ............... just came to my mind.

Where does this leave me now? I have great memories and I want dreams that are greater than these, why? They will create even greater memories and then the dreams will be substantially greater again. This is becoming like the song that doesn't end.

Somehow, I think this dream question is starting to become formed into something more than a frustrating idea. it is beginning to form itself into a practical application that might become real. I do hope so because it is frustrating to say the least.

Hazing rituals are shameful and so are the players who perform them

No, I'm not going to talk about players being taped to the goalposts, or locked naked in a bus washroom on a road trip or any other disgusting and offensive behaviour usually reserved for college age or hockey types.

No, this one comes from the world of professional sports and football to be exact. I have just finished a story about  rookie dinner where one player was required to make amends for not carrying a veterans pads, by purchasing dinner for some of the other players. Apparently, the story tells the dinner was only for the "offensive" players. Now there's a handful just in that one word alone.

The player, Dez Bryant, paid almost $55,000.00 for a dinner for some of the players. It's just grown men having a little fun right. Most people who watch these players don't make that kind of money in one year and these behemoths blow it on one dinner. What an offensive thing to do when millions are out of work, so many more are losing their homes and so many people are living on the streets.

Maybe, just maybe, if some of these guys took some time to see what it takes for the average Joe to make that kind of coin, then maybe they might just change their hazing rituals. The lowest paid player in the NFL makes more than that in a year, never mind a month, what they should do is take a look around and require the rookie to donate the money to a cause that could use it. Food for children who go to school without breakfast might be a start.

This is more than hazing. This is an affront to sensible people. Unfortunately, most people will accept it as part of the game, but these guys who play in a billion dollar playpen just don't get it.  If a small group started to boycott something like the NFL or the NHL I wonder if it would make a difference?

The real problem is that we have set these people up as idols. We pray at the flat screen altar on Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons and get our vicarious kicks all the while checking out the scantily clad cheerleaders.

It's time to wake up and do something more than try to fulfill our unmet desires on this idolatrous altar. How many of us(myself included) would be willing to walk away? I wonder?

into every life a little rain must fall

I have used this phrase many times over the years when people have commented or even dare I say, complained about the rain. I wasn't sure where it came from and some have thought that I was the originator. Unfortunately, I am not and the line actually comes from a song that the great Ella Fitzgerald and others sang. So, it's not a new phrase, but it lacks nothing because it still drips with meaning.

I usually use the phrase to respond to a negative comment. Rain is often seen by those in the comfortable west as a hindrance to every day pleasures. There are those who would die for a drop of rain, in fact they are dying because of the absence of rain. That's not why I decided to write this post, though.

Rain has wonderful qualities. It hides tears, it washes away sadness, at least on the outside. It waters the ground making it fertile. It cleanses. Too many people I speak with complain about the rain because of the temporary difficulty that it brings. The shallowness of such an approach denies the beauty of the rain and the blessings it brings.

Yes, into every life a little rain must fall, but it doesn't have to be an unwelcome thing, does it? When we were children we played in the rain much to the chagrin of our mothers. They thought we would catch a cold (how do you catch a cold anyway) and it would be "the death of us". Do you remember jumping in puddles, or riding your bike in the rain or watching the drops slowly fall from the leaves of a tree after the rain had stopped. Did you ever walk ahead of someone and grab a branch just as they walked under the tree, only to soak them?

Where is the joy of the rain? The simple effervescence of childhood bubbling over in the explosion of happiness at the sound of squeaking wellies and rainwater. Or the single drop of water causing ripples to flow seamlessly across a pond. Never returning but accomplishing their sole task of rolling across the pond. Much like the one in the photo below, thanks to Anders Gustafsson (I wonder if he is related to the Monster?)

So the next time it rains and it will, unless you live in a desert (and it rains there too sometimes), enjoy it. Embrace the pleasure of water streaming endlessly from the sky and let the drops wash away the grime of your day. Trust it to rejuvenate your spirit and remember the former times when you jumped and splashed and squealed with delight and just got soaked and loved it.

It must fall and you can choose what to do with it when it hits you...............and smile

Goodbye Lisbeth, I'll miss you (no spoilers, I think)

Wow, I finally finished the "tattoo" trilogy. At the end I didn't want it to finish. I especially liked the end and the reunion. One very interesting ploy by the author was how he "nailed" the bad guy. Oops that is a bit of a spoiler, but you'll forgive me if you get that far.

I'll miss most of the characters. It got to a point that they seemed almost real. I was told about the books early in my recovery by a colleague(thanks Leaner). He stated that he was not a reader, but he couldn't put them down. I am a reader and could and did put them down, especially when things got a little dicey for one of the "nice" characters. But, I digress, as usual. I really "liked" Lisbeth. She's not the type of person who would hang out with me and chat about books, faith, the Leafs or anything like that, but I liked her, admired some things and felt sorry for her too. It kinda weird to be honest.

I miss some of the others too, but mostly Lisbeth. As a father I wanted to make things better and I couldn't. When she was "hurt" by people, I was hurt and wanted to care for her. I repeatedly had to remind myself that she is not real. But, for a while, she was to me, real that is.

And now, like so many other people and things in my life in 2010, she has gone too. I feel abandoned and alone. Just writing it makes me sound crazy, but I am not crazy, I am deep in thought about what is real and what is not and sometimes I think the lines get blurred.

So, as the heading says, goodbye Lisbeth. You already know that I have difficulty with saying and meaning goodbye and while there may be a smidgen of control here I have to say goodbye. I have to move on to other works to meet new "friends" and even to reacquaint myself with old friends. So long and hello all at the same time.

I will miss you, I will miss cheering for you, I will miss questioning your actions and motives, but I will not miss another racing heart beat as I worry for your safety. I am so glad it was just a story.

Well, it's back to Middle Earth, time to travel with Frodo, Sam and a few others including Gollum.......... wanna come along?

Happy Birthday Bilbo and Frodo

It's Bilbo and Frodo's birthday today.

If you don't know who they are you should and if you've read this blog before you should know that I am a fan of all things about The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings and even some obacure things about our friend JRRT.

I am a huge fan of both The Hobbit and The LOTR, but more so of the LOTR. I have an annual habit or practice or whatever to either watch or read the entire LOTR each summer. This year I decided to read it and am slowly making my way through the story. the problem is that I am also making my way through a few other works. I am trying to finish "The girl who kicked over the hornets nest" which is the third book in the Lisbeth Salander trilogy. I am also slowly working through "Into the Wild", not the jack London piece but the one about Chris McCandless.

So, here's a question for you, when reading a book that is fictional do you ever think of the characters as real and wonder how they are doing? Or is it just me? Let me know, maybe that will be the next poll question, clearly there is very little interest in the Leafs and seeing how they did last night I think I better go and cancel that parade.

have a great week y'all.........................

It's already been a month

I have a hard time believing that a month and more has passed since I lost Ruth. Many others lost her too, some who knew her for many years. But I lost someone who knew me, who loved me, who trusted me and who believed in me so much.

There is at least one others person who also does the same things and she loves me no matter what. My beloved will always believe in me, Ruth meant something different than my beloved did. Ruth was like a Mom to me and there is a special relationship between a young man and his Mom. I see it with my own son, he and his mother have a bond that is nigh unbreakable. It is amazing to watch and see the depth of the love and the honesty and fun and trust they have and they are something to behold.

I had that with Ruth and she is gone. I want to call her and tell her about my accomplishments, like walking around the block and I can't. I know some think that you can talk to the dearly departed and they hear us, I want more than that I want a response.  That's not too much to ask is it? I can ask, but I am not going to get it any time soon.

In the parts of my brain that understand hard facts, I know I will see her again, but I want to see her now. I want to talk to her and hear her advice and wise comments and even a few wise cracks. Oh she could laugh and love but she couldn't last. That damn cancer took her and yes I understand it was God's timing, but just once I wanted it to be on my terms. So many kind acting people have said things like "we only see one part of the canvas", or "we only see just a few pixels of the whole picture" and I understand all that, it just doesn't help to alleviate the hurt.

Their well meaning platitudes don't help anymore.

How do I miss her? let me count the ways.................

We did it!

We (my beloved, myself and trusty old "walker") finally accomplished goal number 1 (so numbered as it was the most important to me so far) of my post surgery days. We completed the first odyssey of our little block. The entire block is about 1.5 kms, not much in reality but when walking less than 50 meters was a problem before, this is a major accomplishment. We completed it this afternoon. It should have happened earlier, but a number of things including a little parasite got in the way. That was no fun. Now it is done, time to wipe that little one off the list, or maybe start a new list.

Well, this is just the start of a number of such odysseys. It is our plan to do this journey daily and then eventually to extend it beyond our local borders. It felt great to accomplish. I experienced no complications, no numbness, no pain, nothing!  I am ecstatic. This was my primary goal to accomplish following this surgery. I advised the surgeon that this was what I wanted out of all this.

Now on to greater things. I can't wait to walk on Caribbean beaches or paths previously unknown to me. Maybe I'll get a bike and start pedalling my way around town and then beyond? Maybe this will lead me to my own "alaska" whatever that may be.

Who knows what might be next, I do not, but I do know this, I made it and I am happy.................

It's been a month already

I can't really believe it.

A month has gone by since she passed and I miss her still and so much.

Death is a thief, it comes at the most inopportune time and steals our loved ones from us. It rips them from our hands and draws them from the warmth of our lives.

And yet, we who believe that death is not final know this, the victory of death is short lived and the sting of death will pass. We know that she is living an eternal life with the one she loved more than us. We know that all she really wanted was to see Jesus and be welcomed home. We know that she was received with these words: "well done good and faithful servant into into the joy of your rest". And rest she will, when she is not loving and worshipping the one who formed her in her mothers womb. The one who lovingly sought after her when she needed to really know Him.

A month has gone in our time measurement. We will see you again soon but I still miss you terribly.........

The polls have arrived

I have added a poll to the blog. That's the little thing to your right.

Looking at trying to gauge the readership, although I know that there are readers from all over the world, pretty cool eh? I have the ability to see where the readers are and from what countries they are from.

So, if you have ideas for the poll, feel free to drop me a line and suggest, no guarantees though and keep it clean.

The content will change each two weeks and will be all over the map music, books, "alaska", faith, the Leafs, sports and who knows what else.

Have fun!

Back to work and other change.................

Well I have completed four shifts so far this week. I am back at work attempting to condition myself to the daily rigours of work life. It's been a little tough at times and I have only just begun (eew the Carpenters). That's a completely different story isn't it? I place them in the same context as ABBA.

Oh well, work is helping with the recovery process. I plan on achieving full throttle by the week of September 27/10 and then will have a few weeks before the next change happens.

I applied for a new position with this organization (where I have worked for 24 1/2 years) during the summer. I gave it some serious thought and prayer and since I have not applied for a job in some time (1993), I did a lot of research on the process and the new position. It has been an interesting journey. For a portion of the preparatory time, I considered just withdrawing from the competition. I was focused on caring for my friend who was battling cancer and wondered aloud if I should just forget about it. Thanks to my beloved and a few other close people I decided to stay in the competition and completed a "work sample" and an interview and finally got an answer yesterday. I got it!

So, more changes are ahead. Change is not a bad thing, how we handle change is one depiction of who we are or say we are. This should be fun and challenging. It will require my having to be certified(keep the jokes to yourselves) by a federal agency to demonstrate the professionalism of the group of people doing the job.

I go into it with some hesitation. Is this the place for me? Is this going to lead me anywhere but just a job? Will there be opportunities to broaden my horizons? What will be there for me besides a place to do work and earn a pay cheque? I want more out of life, don't you? There's got to be more than the daily grind and I don't mean the coffee.

I've determined that life and the jobs I do are so much more than a comfortable chair to warm my bum. This change might bring me closer to my "Alaska" and for an explanation see my posts on "into the wild". If it doesn't then what? When I experience change either by imposition or by choice I must use the opportunity to assess and reflect the affect of the change on me, my family and my surroundings. If it just happens, then there is no learning. The apathy of "why bother" creeps into my consciousness but there has to be a reason.

What was the reason and what are the learning's from 2008? With the outrageous damage inflicted upon so many of us by one man's bad behaviour, we must learn and grow. We have to hold onto what is dear and love and forgive. If we do not we learn nothing from the last 2 1/4 years. Words that were spoken in angst sounded nice but were truly evil. Taking the high road has to be for all, not just one. Change is happening, it's not easy, it's tough. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is required to help make the changes be significant and relevant. Maybe to forgive is to be open to change, to reflect and to see the better part of someone.

So, what's it going to be?

What is your Alaska?

Chris McCandless of "Into the Wild" infamy planned and executed his great Alaska odyssey. This was his dream and it stuck with him and unfortunately killed him too. He has been lauded as a hero and as a reckless person who was unwise at best.

I'll let each of you draw your own conclusions. I am presently reading Krakauer's book about Chris and will make my own determination when I finish the book and any other material I can get my hands on.

Here's my thought. Do you have an "Alaska" that's sitting there in the recesses of your mind? Do I have one? Is there something waiting to be fulfilled? What is it that drives you crazy thinking? Is there a destination, a place, a person or just some life long hidden goal that you would love to achieve?

I wonder if behind the cage of society lie dreams that have been dormant for many years. What will it take for you or I to rise against this sense of society and push beyond these man made borders and work to achieve your personal Alaska, or mine? I wonder what it would be like to push away from the stall and just walk. To become lost on purpose in order to find what I am looking for, I'm sure there's a U2 reference there somehow.

I would do it, but not like Chris. I would be released from society but not totally absent from it. I would contact family and friends, somehow. They deserve to know...........a little. I wonder what it would be like, don't you? Is everyone so afraid that there is no dreaming left? The road does go on and on and where it leads I do not know, but I want to know......................... and soon.

Of book burning, mosques, 911 and other stuff..........

What is it with people these days anyway?

Maybe, just maybe, Rodney King had it right when he said "why can't we all just get along?".

It's probably because of one thing, selfishness. The burning of someone else's holy book no matter what you think of it and its' contents is just plain wrong. There is nothing good that can come from this behaviour. But, to blame it as an excuse for other behaviour is just idiotic and irrational. That's tantamount to saying "you made me (add your own action here)". No one can make you do anything you choose not to do. So, now thousands in places afar and to most unknown are protesting and burning flags and who knows what else, and not just American flag by the way. I wonder why? This just gives the haters another stage and who is to blame for that? For the so called leader of the free world to get into this "discussion" is also idiotic. The press blew the story about the 50 member church in Florida into the flames that it has become (no pun intended). This is so much more than the 15 minutes that they deserved, if in fact they deserved any. The time to stop reporting this on national news is now. It's time to stop reporting on this selfish man and his flock. Take away the platform.

And another thing is this mosque or centre that they are planning to build. The plan is to name it Cordoba, and not after the car by the way. They hold Cordoba as a bastion of inter religious equality, but a good read of history tells a different tale. The place was taken by force from Christians many years ago. Read the truth and see what it really means. So, why would a "peace loving" group want to put an Islamic Centre near the place of almost 3000 murders? Why is there a church still awaiting permission from the City of New York to repair their building damaged on 911 when this "centre" has been given permission to go ahead? Mr. Trump is offering to purchase the land at a 25% premium in cash so that they would not build their centre there and what has been the answer? They purchased the property for 4.8 million less than a year ago and Trump offered them 6 million. They said no because the property is worth more than 20 million. In an article in "The Atlantic" Trump refers to this as "extortion". Hmm, selfishness, you bet! Just watch carefully and see what they do with this one.

This weekend, tomorrow to be exact is the 9th anniversary of the murders of September 11, 1991. Some people are looking at the beginning of the Jewish High Holy days, the end of ramadan and the anniversary of 911 as some type religious confluence or convergence of great import. This is being used to talk about tolerance, a wonderful word that currently seems to mean "don't disagree with me or I'll add phobe to the end of whoever I am and apply it to you". What I believe is really happening is the opportunity to trick people into accepting what they do not wish to accept under the guise of tolerance and political correctness . Once again, selfishness but to what aim? What's next a one world religion?

Why can't we just get along? Because in a life without peace, forgiveness and some semblance of a "golden rule" there will always be selfishness. How can we change the course of humanity? Try a little tenderness, (I just had to have a musical reference). But seriously folks, when was the last time you worked for peace? When was the last time you forgave someone? When was the last time you did to someone as you wish they would have done to you? Life isn't about burning books, or imposing oneself on others, or extortion but rather on living a life beyond the mirror of self and one of serving others.

Some thoughts as the summer draws to an end and the fall begins and winter awaits.........................

Into the Wild part 4, some possible spoilers

I've been wondering about some things lately.

One, of course, is related to Chris McCandless's drive to accomplish a goal that he set for himself. He wanted to live a life without a safety net (my words not his) and he also set a goal of living off the land in Alaska. He made it to Alaska and survived for 113 days. So many have said that life is not in the destination, but rather in the journey and it seems that his journey although fraught with difficulty and eventual failure still stands out.

I wonder how many of us have had dreams like Chris and have never been able to fulfill them. How many dreams are dying the slow death of fear and abandonment in the recesses of our minds? It appears that some thoughts that I have considered over the last months are coming together, those being the catatonic fear that immobilizes us and the failure to dream or worse the inability to consummate the dream.

Fear didn't stop Chris because based on what I have read, he was a dreamer (just listen to Supertramp) and he consummated his dreams, unfortunately not to the conclusion that he expected, but he did get there.

What would life be like if you (and I) were not so afraid? What is stopping us from living the life that we might have, if we allowed ourselves to dream? How much would change?

I do not suggest throwing caution to the wind or anywhere else. Most of us cannot just give up life and walk away. That would be irresponsible. To walk away from family and loved ones to accomplish my dreams would be selfish. If Chris demonstrated anything by not staying in contact with his family, he demonstrated that "happiness only real when shared" and if we abandon loved ones to accomplish our dreams then we have not learned anything.

So, what's it gonna be...............................?



 

more changes to the blog

I hope that you like the changes.

I wanted the background to reflect the title, so as you can see the path is clear, somewhat.

I have enabled comments, again. Let's hope that the tools in place will help me keep the spam out.

Look for more "into the wild' ramblings from me as this kid has found a deep place in my mind.

Into the Wild part 3

Yes it is still hanging on in my brain, partly because it won't leave and partly because I am still trying to figure it out. Now part of the issue is determining what "it" is. Partly because I have downloaded (legally) the album soundtrack of amazing music by Eddie Vedder, haunting especially how he wrote lyrics to match the story so well. I have been "stuck" thinking about Chris McCandless for several days now after watching the film "Into the Wild" on Sept.6/10.

One thing that strikes me about him was his lack of fear. From what I have read and watched over the last two days, there is nothing that showed he was afraid. he disliked things strongly, but I have not gotten the sense that he was afraid. Maybe that's it!

A life lived without fear, at least until the end maybe, but a life without fear, wow!

But at the end one would expect to have no more fear, but the SOS message seemed to show that he was fearful of his ability to survive.

What would a life without fear be like?

I wonder but maybe too afraid to experience a life like that, I wonder..................

Into the Wild part 2

I can't seem to get this kid (he wasn't really a kid) out of my mind.

I am not sure why, but so many questions are stuck in my mind about him. So much other stuff in my head has had the fuse lit by this story about a dreamer, minimalist, adventurer and misguided young man.

Something about the story doesn't fit for me and I can't seem to figure out which part, or parts. He was intelligent, smart, moral (define that these days) and athletic. It just doesn't appear that he had common sense. I read the 9000 word piece by Krakauer in "Outsider" magazine and intend to read the book by the same author to see what I can discover about this lost dreamer aka Alexander Supertramp, who too late discovered to call things (including himself) by their right name.

I can't figure it out..............

Into the Wild ........ some spoilers........some thoughts

Had some alone time today.

Saw a film on tv that looked interesting and was mesmerized by the entire thing. The film is "Into the Wild". Sean Penn is an amazing director and Eddie Vedder added such depth to the visuals with his music.

The movie is an adaptation of a book by Jon Krakauer which describes the tale of Christopher McCandless and his journey to Alaska and the adventure that he anticipated. I guess this will have to go on the list of books to read now.

He left family and career and money and well everything behind to achieve his journey. What he realized came too late in an entry in one of his books where he wrote "happiness only real when shared". How sad, this broken young man wanting to get away from it all and realizing that he could not have happiness without sharing it with someone.

I was deeply moved by the film and the story. I am also reminded that the journey is not meant to be alone. It's ok to have alone time, such as today, but this is not the way it was meant to be. Chris figured it out just a little too late. A small stream turned into a rushing torrent and that was his undoing. He could see the redemption on the other side and he couldn't get to it.

I wonder if there is an undoing for me. Or is there a lesson. I believe that there's always a lesson, I can't go it alone, can you? We need others, friends, family, lovers even strangers and we need to let them in. Tear down the walls and break the doors and open up.

Been thinkin' about some things..............

Been thinking about the suffix "phobe" lately,

why is it that when someone, who apparently lives within an environment that poses to have free speech, says something about a person or group, is automatically handed the suffix "phobia"? Just because I disagree with the "ground zero mosque" does not make me an islamaphobe.

Just because I disagree with certain behaviours that are chosen by a group, does not make me homophobe or any other type of phobe, if such a word exists yet. Maybe now I have offended the librarians.

What's next, will I be called a "hawkingphobe" because I disagree with the man's position about God?

When did it become mandatory that we all have to agree on something never mind anything? In a society that seems dead set on allowing individuality, it is at the same time dead set against being told that anything is "wrong".

Been thinking about loss lately? I lost a close friend recently, I lost a great source of wisdom, a trusted confidante and beloved family member to the dreaded "c" cancer. It took her from me in so many ways. In the taking, it left me with incredible loss. There is a hole where the discussions should be and it is cavernous, bigger and deeper than the grand canyon or the mariana trench(the rift not the group). Few people have made the imprint on me like this loved one has.

Been thinking about how the actions of one person can have a cumulative affect on so many people. Little did he know when he took his biggest and most selfish action what kind of affect this would have on so many other people.

Kinda makes you want to go hmmmm doesn't it?

The next time I choose to do anything (even pressing "publish post" on this page) I just might have to think about who this might affect down the road. It's not like I am killing someone is it?

At least thinking about doesn't affect anyone, or does it? It still affects me and my thoughts are powerful, to paraphrase a great thinker, "if you have thought it in your mind then you have already acted it out".

Better think better, I think

Recovery is slow, but greater things are yet to come

I am enjoying sitting and reading and of course listening.

I have just heard a song whose chorus says "greater things are yet to come" and I believe it. There is so much of a practical nature to accomplish and at the same time the depth of the loss gets deeper. The more I think about her , the more I miss her.

And now there will be more. It's hard to explain in this medium but more loss is expected and soon. It all makes total sense for those involved, but some of us will be left behind, thankfully not like the book series.

Recovery is slow but it is happening. So many things remind me of Ruth. Having her things reminds me, seeing her written instructions for a Rhubarb cake reminds me, looking at and dealing with the things in her purse reminds me. She too kept things for a long time.

Recovery means getting better and believing that greater things are yet to come, even in the midst of this great loss. I guess that greater things might even trump the great loss at some time. I have to believe that because being positive is so much better than being negative and being dragged down will not happen. Life will find a way and in the midst of more loss, joy will return, first ion memories, then in activities and then in greater laughter when reunions occur. Yes, recovery is slow, but greater things are yet to come.

Waves of Grief

I can't remember it being like this. The grief comes and goes like massive waves crashing on me like the ocean. There are relative times of peace or is it just distraction? Then the next wave comes and it washes over me and is bitter like the gallons of salt water at the sea.

I can't and won't control it. It is a message that I still have a heart. I want to cry again but I am now afraid that I won't stop again. Once again that fear of losing it to the despair sits on my shoulder and says go ahead and see what happens.

What love is this, that I miss you so much that I need constant distraction to drive you out. I don't want to drive you out though, I want to remember you and I want to smile and laugh with abandon and in joy. I can't look at the pictures yet, I can't see you like that, I have to remember you before cancer eat it's way through your beautiful body. More than a shell you were, you were a vessel of great beauty that was used to reflect His great joy and peace to so many other people.

The waves still crash on this ragged shore. He had no idea what collateral damage would be when he acted out  2 years ago. He had no clue because he was so selfish and because of that many more are left to mourn a greater loss.

What a weird thought, if he hadn't done it, then I wouldn't have this loss to speak about. Not that I am about to thank him, but it does make me think and know that all these actions are related and someone is in control, no matter what.

Numb including the skull

Buried and memorialized in less than three days. How could it be over that quick?

After what seems like a lifetime of interaction, I will never see her again this side if heaven. What is positive about that? I am tired, angry, lost, hurt, so sad and in such a deep place right now. I want to talk with her again, I want to know how she is, I want to know if she has warmed up yet, the last time I touched her she was so cold, I hated it.

I know I'm not supposed to ask why. But I'm just not that good that I can't ask it. Why and how is this part of some perfect plan? Why couldn't she live longer, why did it have to be this way? How can the survivors manage given the depth of the loss? Never mind the rest of us with no blood relationship to her. I know that at some time all will be revealed and I will have a great big aha moment, but it just isn't working for me right now. I am so tired it seems that everything hurts right now.

There's been too much taken from these little ones. Am I jealous of her peace? You bet I am but I don't begrudge her of the absence of her pain, I am glad for that, but why did it have to be this way? I can't seem to find the peace to this right now.

I haven't cried this much ever. I cried during church today because the songs reminded me so much of her. I cried when I was finishing her eulogy on the computer. I cried when I practiced the song for her in sound checks. But when it came time to deliver, I made it through. I have the ability to turn that part off when needed, but now I can't turn this part off.

I need sleep. I am hurting so much and I am so numb at the same time. I am hurting physically, emotionally and even spiritually. Is there an answer? Do I just do what I told all these people to do today? I'm not sure I believe myself anymore I don't even know what I believe, I need sleep and soon.

To sleep perchance to dream. No thanks, I have no interest in dreaming right now, I just want to shut the lines down and rest. The demands of tomorrow scare me, how can I perform well given what I just went through?

I am numb and angry, sad and tired, lonely for her voice and her gentle voice to talk to the shepherd, he'll know, he'll understand, he's been lonely, sad, hurt, numb, he's been there.

I hate it cancer and death stink.

So hard to let go

I lost a friend today. She was so much more than a friend to me. She went peacefully at 5:40 am, I saw her within ten minutes and sat and cried as I have never cried before. She was certainly a mother figure, a mentor, an example and someone who was more real than most people I have met. We talked daily for over two years and we didn't just talk about the weather. We talked about deep life experiences and the effect of great losses on our lives. We always talked about the bible. For the past 2 + years I have been able to read my bible daily and from these readings at least one verse stood out for her and her husband. She  gave me a purpose that I have not felt before. I was responsible for keeping her up to date in my life. Through this I was also responsible for not giving up, but for ensuring that I kept reading as I had agreed to.

I'm supposed to write a eulogy for her. I have never written one before and it is weighing heavily on me. What do I say about her that borders on such a personal relationship? She did not want too much made of her in this memorial service. She didn't want people to hear all the good things about her, rather she wanted people to hear about what and who she believed in.

She was a Christ follower. She knew the bible well. She had committed much of the bible to memory and much of her personal bible was covered in highlighted parts. These verses spell out her life and her relationship with her Lord.

So many people have said: "she's no longer in pain" and that is true, but the selfish me wants her still here so I can draw deep from the well that she is. The selfish me wants her here longer than her creator does and I have to listen to Him and "let her go". But it's too hard to do that. I wasn't finished with her yet, I wanted so much more from her and I realize that her body was worn out beyond her time frame and she needed to go home. She even said it several days ago, when asked she nodded that she was tired of this earth and wanted to go and visit with her daughter and her Lord.

And there she is, meeting Val and Jesus who said t her "well done good and faithful servant enter into your rest". She needed and deserved rest, while I still have work to accomplish. I have practical things to do for her, her husband and their grandchildren and I have much more to do. I will follow my path and wait for my turn to break free from this harsh world. Today I fight with letting go, some day I will be be waiting to go and see her again.

It's still too hard to let go, but there is coming a day when I will see her again. When that day arrives, I will have no pain, there will be no tears and death will be defeated and there will be no more dying and that's a much better prospect.

Commenting stopped again

As soon as I opened up the possibility to comment, I once again received either spam or comments from someone who chooses to comment in a language that I cannot read. I do not wish to hear from someone who refuses to communicate with me in a language that I understand.

Based on this, I have once again suspended the ability to comment. There are ways for me to control who comments and I am in the process of investigating those now. You may have to become a member of this blog to be able to comment. I will post soon to advise how to do that if you wish.

Until then I will miss your welcomed and english feedback

Why is it so hard to let go?

A loved one lies dying and I don't want to let go. The weird thing is we have only known each other for two years and four months and I love her as if she was my mother. In the time since that terrible day when her daughter was taken, she and I have developed a deep relationship. She had so much to share that many others also were recipients of her gift of love, joy, laughter and loco parentis. She became "mother" to many of us, her new family and we welcomed the mothering. Now we are taking care of her and her remaining family because the mounting losses are encroaching on them from what appears to be all sides.

I hate cancer. I hate what it has done to her and to so many others. She on the other hand accepted her difficulties with the same grace that expresses the deepest faith I have ever seen. How can one woman be so deeply gifted and yet so deeply challenged? God knows and just like Job and his patience, she walked with God and would not curse Him for His choices. No, she welcomed God's plans, because His plans are higher than her plans and His thoughts are higher than her thoughts. She trusted in Him that He would deliver her from all of this and one day He will provide her with a heavenly body, with no pain, no death, no dying and no more tears.

I already miss her. All that is left is a shell and the ability to barely move. I want to turn the clock back and talk, we had daily "dates" where we would talk about the bible, life, the children, the sadness and the joys. Now, we communicate by my reading the bible to her, by the gentle touch of a hand, by a tender kiss and by her blinking her eyes. I have learned so much from this wonderful woman that it may take years to unpack the thoughts. In the meantime, I will let go ever so slowly.

What is this great plan? For what reason were we introduced to this family? She said yes to a simple invitation to stay in our home after her great loss. If she had said no, none of this would have involved us. But, she said yes. She chose to invite us into her world and then in her loss she brightened our lives. I feel strangely guilty for getting so much because of her loss. And now I watch her as she fades from this world into eternity. She goes confidently into the dark night. She does not fear because she knows where she is going and I will miss her greatly.

But why? There I said it, why? I want to shake my fist and scream why. I don't want to lose another Mother.  I know I will soon and the demands of the practical will take over and I will be busy, but I will not let go.

Talkin' about dreaming....... (no spoilers)

I posted about dreams the other day and wondered aloud about what has happened to dreams and dreamers. And then I went to see "Inception". There are no spoilers in this post.

The tradition in our house is that at least once each summer when both my kids (young adults) are home that they go to a movie with Dad. We delayed this years instalment as long as possible because I am still in recovery mode. We didn't want to mess with tradition (who does?), so last Saturday (yesterday) I sat way too long watching a movie. Enough about bad decisions, the good one was going to see "Inception".

All three of us loved the movie. What a great flick. The story reminded me of some of the studies I researched in the early 1980's in my experiential psychology courses at Brock University. One set of studies was regarding "lucid" dreams. One of my professor's (Dr. Harry Hunt) and I planned to do some replication studies about the relationship between lucid dreams and migraine headaches. Unfortunately, my career got in the way and I quickly completed my degree and joined the rest of the working world. If I remember correctly we were going to try to replicate the work of Oliver Sacks (yes, he of "Awakenings" fame and so much more) including sleep studies etc. Oh well, that never happened. I wonder how Dr. Hunt is by the way?

Back to the movie; having been directed not to watch previews by my children, I was nervous about what I was going to see, I asked my daughter about parts that might make me jump (not good for the recovery), I laughed out loud, I was amazed, shocked, rarely scared, but did jump once (just a little one, more pane than pain). There is no political mumbo jumbo, no attacks on Bush, or Obama (although that might be fun for a change). There are tons of reviews out there, but the best review is the people. Are we all lead astray like a flock of sheep on this one? I don't know, you'll just have to decide for yourself. But, it will be very baaaaaaaaaad if you miss this one.

Immediately following the film while driving home, I said to the kids that I might not go and see this movie again, and then within ten minutes I announced to them that in fact I do want to go and see it again, and soon. That's my review, in ten minutes I realized that there was probably so much that I missed that I just might want to see it again. I think I'll wait for a few more weeks before I go, I'm still sore from yesterday.

That was a dream that lasted 128 minutes.

Some people think the flight attendant is a hero?

I don't get it.

The guy was sworn at (allegedly) and got bumped on the head by a piece of luggage. It appears that someone on the plane didn't play by the FAA rules, and of course he has been an arbiter of these rules for twenty years.

Does that give him permission to swear at everyone on the plane? (he allegedly used the intercom system), to steal (he took beer that was not his to take) to potentially put people at risk (he opened and then exited by the emergency chute)? Then it is reported that he ran to his car and drove home without finishing his shift (yes I assume that this is not normal end of day practice).

What in this scenario makes this guy a hero? To steal (and modify) a line from an old movie "he got mad as hell and didn't take it anymore". That's not the way I taught my children to respond to difficulty and I bet that many of you out there taught the same. Oh yes there have been days when I might have wanted to say "take this job and shove it", actually to be honest, there was only one time and I didn't do that. I faced the difficulty, created a plan and successfully moved on without burning bridges.

I try to treat others with respect even when I receive disrespect from them. The people I rub shoulders with, work with and many others follow the same standard. They have chosen the higher approach (pun not intended) when they are treated with disrespect because they know that they are called to treat others the way they want to be treated.

When we lash out we do not know what will come back. This person will likely lose his job and potentially pay a higher price for his choice. Yes, it was a choice he made. We all have to take responsibility for our actions. Isn't that something most people learned and then taught their children?

A hero? Definitely not in my opinion. A hero is someone who is admired (although some do admire this person) and also idealized for courage, achievement and nobility. None of these were expressed in his behaviour. This is not the hero I would "hold" up for others to emulate.

Too bad though, he was a twenty year employee and that's quite an achievement isn't it?

Dreaming...............

Does anyone dream anymore? I am not asking about the night terrors, or wonderful imaginations that occur during sleep. I wonder does anyone dream about doing something that hasn't been done by someone else, or done by so few people that it seems almost crazy?

I just read about Ed Stafford on www.walkingtheamazon.com. This man has walked the entire length of the Amazon over the past two years. Can you imagine doing that? I can't even imagine dreaming about doing that. But why? What stops me from dreaming about some "adventure"? Does it have to be an adventure? What is dreaming anyway? One definition speaks of "imagining or inventing something". Life sometimes is so dull that dreaming has become all but forgotten.

When did I last dream? When was the most recent investment of time thinking about and imagining something to complete? Why don't we allow people to "daydream"? This modern culture sees no benefit in sitting and thinking. There is always someone to ask uncomfortably "what are you thinking about" and thereby interrupts the thought process. I can't dream if I can't sit and think uncontested.

As that wise philosopher, Richard O'Brien, once wrote "don't dream it, be it". Maybe he had it right all along and then maybe not. To focus on the accomplishment eventually means the death of the dream, doesn't it? Oh bother, as a certain bear would say.

Can you see the real me? Can ya, can ya?

No I haven't been listening to Quadrephenia lately, however maybe I should. I digress of course, if you have never listened to this wonderful piece by The Who, or haven't listened lately, you should.

I heard someone use similar words to the title of this post today. Then she began to talk about masks and the practice that most of us have in wearing masks to hide who we really are. I do it and you probably do it too, so let's be honest about it.

I'm quite sure I have posted about this before, the Greek actors or "hupokritēs" wore masks just for that reason. They were two sided. We, however can be more than two sided, can't we? "Why" is the question that I have. Why do we determine that we need to wear a mask? Why can't we trust others enough to be open and honest? Why can't we trust ourselves to be open and honest with others.

The question asked is can you see the real me? What or who is the real me? I have spent time in solitude on numerous occasions trying to answer that ever so simple question. I don't need to answer the simplistic questions that can be answered with empirical data. I do need to answer the questions that delve deep past the masks and lies. I need to drill down below the tapes that have been playing for so long. They don't define who I am. That is something that I am happy for.

Can I see the real me, Can I, can I?

I was thinking about sandals recently........

Yes, sandals, and no, not the expensive resort although we have been planning a trip to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary.

I have been thinking about the piece of foot apparel. I am not developing a fetish, so you can forget about those crazy ideas. I was thinking about these wonderful sandals that my beloved had me buy because they are supportive (both of them, the sandals and my beloved) and they should help me with my recovery. They were not cheap, they weren't even inexpensive, and they will help.

Thinking on those lines, I remembered as a youngster what my father would do in the late spring and early summer, when my feet would be getting too big for my shoes and there was no money for buying new shoes. My dad, along with all the dads on our street and probably most of Walkinstown and Dublin, would cut the front out of the shoes so that my toes could wiggle freely in the air without restriction. There was no shame in all this, everyone did it. Clearly, no one could afford the luxury of new shoes the way that we can buy them to the tune of Imelda Marcos. It doesn't appear to be something that happened in North America, at least my beloved never had this type of home made sandal.

It makes me think of the limited resources that my parents had. The were both born in 1921 and were married on June 5, 1944. They lived through times of abject poverty both in financial and emotional terms. But they found a way. My parents raised 7 children in a home smaller than my first home of 1000 square feet. They didn't have central heating (never mind air conditioning). The heated our home (the home I was born in; 109 Bunting Road, Walkinstown, Dublin 12) with coal. I can still remember the coal delivery days having to put newspapers down to try to minimize the inevitable dust the collier would leave behind. I remember going out to the coal shed to fill the scuttle and bring it in to heat the house. I remember laughter and singing. I remember the angry times too but as I get older the sad and bad memories are being replaced with the good and happy ones. I remember the many Irish Christmas mornings (I celebrated 11 there) and the orange in the stocking. We didn't have and couldn't afford fresh fruit, so Christmas was about more than toy presents, it was about a Jaffa orange, all the way from Israel. There was the mesh packets of Cadbury's chocolate, the annual compendium of games and the books, usually followed by my Dad saying to me "Robin, read everything you can get your hands on, it will be the best education you can get".

My Dad's pet name for me was Robin. I can't recall when that started, probably when I couldn't comprehend anything but food and nappies. He continued to call me that even for many years after we came to Canada. It was one of the ways that he demonstrated fondness towards me. There were many more, I'm sure.

That's what I love about doing this blog thing. One single thought, a mental picture becomes an engine through which my mind takes me through the forgotten recesses of memory. A simple thought about a sandal, a mere piece of footwear, has brought me back 45 or more years. What a gift I have been given with the ability to remember.

I wonder what will stimulate the next venture and bring the next memories to light? I have my book by my side so that when they do arrive like the birds at the feeder, I can write them down so as not to lose the thought.

unknown commenters # 2

It just may have worked. I was given a suggestion by a work colleague (thanks again Jon) who said that it was probably spam that was auto-commenting on the blog. I haven't received any comments in 11 days.

So, after next week, I may unleash the freedom to comment again, have patience.

New Reading Material

As posted earlier, I am reading the original trilogy, The Lord of The Rings this summer. I am going through it pretty slowly for s few reasons, one; I can't sit that long, two; OI am still feeling the affects of pain killers and they are affecting my ability to comprehend, and three; I am enjoying the slow read and finding new (I think) details.

I received a get well call from a friend from the "Sault". He is aptly named "leaner" (in RTWM circles) due to his propensity to lean when he has had a few to many. The leaner suggested I read some books about some tattooed lady, or something like that. I referred to the original trilogy because this series is about the "girl with the dragon tattoo". Oh yeah, the first one is over 800 pages, should be fun.

So, wish me "happy reading" as I re-enter the world of crime, at least in fiction.

The view from the passenger seat

I have been dutifully sitting in the passenger seat for 6 weeks now. If you know me, you will know that I am not the best passenger in the world. I admit that it's a control thing, but I have hated being a passenger in my own car. Yet today as we spent some time alone, I looked and saw such wonderful beauty in the landscape not far from our home. I saw so much and this is just another blessing that has come from my surgery. Yes I feel better already, but I have seen so much more by being a passenger.

It kinda makes me want to go hmm. To voluntarily give up control to someone else is not a bad thing. Of course, one needs to completely relinquish all and take one's hands off to get to this point. I was forced to be a passenger because of a medical issue, so it was not completely voluntary, but the message that slams into me is this: what else do I need to let go of before it is taken from me? That scares me to be honest. Is it my beloved, my kids, another family member, my career or even my life.

The benefit is that everything looks better from the passenger seat. When I gave up control, I saw the beauty of everything. Am I willing to give up and let go of the other things in my life so that I can really see them for what they are? These are not just rhetorical questions, these require me to act. These require me to will myself to let go, to have my fingers pried off and to say that I do not have all the answers. I am tired of fighting and squeezing. What's it going to take to have me let go? I am unwilling to risk force and I think my attention has been made to stand up.

I have driven a few times since being given permission. But today was the longest distance and the greatest amount of time that I have spent behind the steering wheel. Today, I drove for about a half hour. I have spent many years driving and have driven long distances but I have not really felt the utter exhaustion I felt after the thirty minutes I drove this morning. I needed to let go and I did. A very good lesson was learned today, let's see if it sticks.

6 weeks and counting

I made it. It is now six weeks since the surgery and I feel fine. Well, not fine as in completely healed, but fine in that I am getting better. That continuum is somewhat longer than I thought. It seems that every time I go through these surgeries, the most recent was my tenth (10Th) bone related surgery. That's a lot of work, if it was plastic surgery, I'd already be someone different, that's a scary thought, good thing comments have been put on hold.

Oh well, I am now six weeks post major surgery to repair a back that was even more damaged than the surgeon thought. I am walking more, I am resting more, I am sleeping better, but, I feel like I have hit a plateau and it freaks me out. My beloved tells me that I used the exact words the last time (just over two years ago), to express me frustration with the state of recovery that I am in. So, I guess I need to keep counting and to remember the past.

In the spiritual world we are reminded to remember the former times when God did so much for us. The people of Israel are reminded to look back to the original Exodus. We have (at least I have), in my life, many experiences not too unlike the Exodus, where I can remember God working out the details when I could not even think through the initial steps. He was and continues to be true to His word, He says that "I will never leave you or forsake you" and so, in my time of frustration of being "stuck" or at a plateau, I need to look back to the "former times" and remember, believe and trust. That's a definition of faith for me.

Six weeks ago, I was on an operating table, I trusted God and the surgeon, He chose to fix my back and it was and is a long term agreement. I will continue to trust both of them, but God gets first billing, sorry Dr. M.

It's Quiet and I am thinking

They've all gone to church and I am left alone with my thoughts and a few sounds: the tapping on the keyboard, the usual rumbling of the house as it settles and the rare car as it travels on it's lonely ride down the on the road. And it's quiet.

I love the times when I can sit in relative quiet and think.

Sometime the thoughts are ones of great joy, like yesterday's celebration of my beloved's birthday. We had a small celebration, not like one for someone who is eleventyone, but small and only with family in attendance. She turned (where did that phrase come from anyway) 50 yesterday. She didn't want a big celebration because she knew that it would have caused me to expend too much energy while I am still in recovery mode. That's just one thing that is so special about my beloved. I would write more, but she reads this and does not like attention drawn to herself. So, she is amazing, beautiful, gifted, gentle, generous, kind and she has been mine for almost 30 years and I love her.

In quiet times like this I think and pray for those I care about and I wonder when the dreaded will occur. In the midst of that fear I am comforted by the knowledge that when it does happen she will be with Him and she will have no more pain.

It's quiet, and I am thinking........................

baby's been bit by a bug

Yes I know a terrible and manufactured attempt at alliteration. I guess I'll get a "b" for the attempt. Maybe something less for the humour, oh well.

My baby girl, aka my daughter and youngest child has developed a wonderful love for travel. I suppose we are to blame, but she has taken the flights to new heights and breadths. When she was young we took regular trips to Florida and even took her to Cuba. But she has been to farther fields than I have ever been and she is still very young.

Just this summer she has been to (in order): England, Denmark, Germany, France, Italy, Ireland (she had to visit the places I walked and where I went to school and where I was born, then back to England to make the uneventful (and parental demanding) trip back to Canada.

And now there's more, she wants to see Canada, at least the western portion before she returns to Ecuador (on yet another missions trip) and all this before she attends school in Virginia (in her brother's footsteps) to study to be a nurse. In the spirit of Tolkien and my summer reading plan, "the road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began" at least for her.

Me, I'm gonna go from the bedroom to the deck to the kitchen to the next comfortable place to sit and rest because her trips tire me out. Oh, the good news, she paid for and will continue to pay for all these trips herself. I guess this is one person who understands self reliance (inside joke for some of you who know me in a different world).

So, what's the point of this post? I love my kids, I love my wife more and to be honest, I have truly enjoyed empty nesting when it arrived earlier this summer. But(you knew there had to be a but), I worry. I know I profess faith and with that faith worry is not exactly a positive virtue. I think about her (and her older brother) when they travel and wonder and worry about their safety.

Letting go gets harder as they grow older and there's no antidote for this bug, oh bother!

Some changes

OK, so a work colleague gave me a hint to try to get rid of the "spam" that is the oriental commenters. Thanks Jon. I have made some changes that should hopefully eliminate the unwanted and unreadable comments.