I am weary of Grief

Grief has visited me again, or maybe it just never left.

I am a linear thinker and I seem to live this way too, I have discovered that grief doesn't follow a stated path, it comes and visits me for a while, then it leaves me, sometimes in peace, often not. It never announces that it is returning, it just shows up, often at the worst times. Honestly, is there ever a good time for grief? I'm not sure if that was rhetorical.

And now, following a lovely day celebrating my life with loved ones and new friends, it, my other new friend, returned. I wonder if it is related to despair. The type that comes from something being "just not right". I don't know anymore.

I can't control it. I can't make it follow a logical path. I can't stop it and I hate it. I know that there is supposed to be great healing from living through the pain and the reward for perseverance is just that. It is isn't it? I've always thought that if I just persevere through the tough stuff that a reward is at the end of that time. Maybe there is no reward, maybe it is just the knowledge that I accomplished what I set out to do.

I just don't know anymore...........................