When is too much too much

For the last 21 months I have been walking a difficult road with some friends. They suffered an unprecedented loss and have been hanging on to God incredibly since then. As each day passes more weight is placed on their shoulders, never mind the daily responsibilities that they were thrust into. We and others have done as much as we can to lighten the load, but when we have all retreated to our own homes, they are left with the devastation. To add more to their existence, another issue has intruded into their lives.

At times like these I am left asking why. I am honest enough to say I have said to God why them? Why us collectively? Why can't they get a break given their experience for the last 21 months? And yet I know that nothing surprises God. He knew about these things before they occurred. Did He cause them? I don't believe that He did. Did He allow them? Yes! But why did He allow them to happen? What cosmic game plan is in place that prevents us from seeing anything but our single game piece? How can the depth of pain and loss be used to accomplish anything of a positive nature? And God answered me. It wasn't audible, but I heard Him in His word.

He said, do you trust me? I do! He said I spoke this world into existence do you trust me? I said I do! He said I love you, do you believe me? I said I do! He said will you let me be God? I said yes! I trust and believe that He knows best and He knows when too much is too much.

Forgiveness or hatred, which would you want to be known for?

I read the CNN account of the widow of the suicide bomber who killed the CIA operatives recently. It was interesting to see the "ethic" of belief of this person and presumably those who fall in line with her. She lied to cover his tracks (the report says she "tricked" his family by saying he was somewhere when he was actually going to kill people, although she says she did not know he was going to kill people). She also says that she "has no remorse" for what her husband did.

What would you want to be known or remembered for? To be considered a martyr by killing yourself and other people is clearly prized by some? Apparently the gift for the martyrs is something sensual with virgins. When are the women of the world going to take offence to the objectification of their sisters in this setting?

Would you rather be remembered for doing "for" someone, rather than doing something "to" someone, like blowing up a mother of three? Seems to me that there are stark differences in the faiths here. One says "turn the cheek", the other says "flip the switch".

How selfish!

And yet, this isn't the end. There will be more. Those who profess to turn the cheek will be hated (aren't we already) and the world is getting more and more anti-christian. Why? Because the christian belief is that there is a right and wrong and people in general do not want to be told that what they have done or are doing is wrong.

How selfish!

At the end of the day, I would rather be known for turning the cheek, for offering a cup of cold water and for feeding the hungry, rather than flipping the switch. I know that the God who loves will determine the difference between the sheep and the goats and since it was His son who said "turn the cheek" I am trusting Him on this one.

How selfless!

A free timmies and an earthquake

Two things that would likely never find themselves in the same sentence, never mind the same heading just did. How in the world did they manage to collide?

I stop at the same timmies every morning on my way to the office (you know I am a creature of habit). I usually go thorough the drive through, they are quick and there's minimal effect on the atmosphere. I am usually polite, I try to say good morning as I order my large double double refill, that's where I save the planet by not using paper cups :). I know some of the servers by name and like to address them by their names so they too feel respected and like they matter. This morning was different in that when I git to the till, they told me that my coffee was free, why I asked? Because, I was so pleasant, they said. It was probably a gimmick, but it made me think about being nice to others, and for the most part I tried to pass on that sense of good will to those I spoke with all day.

I heard about the earthquake this morning. I was horrified as I realized how many people must have been crushed to death in all the turmoil. As I arrived home I was greeted by my beloved with the news that someone we know, someone's daughter-in-law that our daughter babysat for, was killed in the quake. How in the world could this happen? Not two hours in the country with a group of nurses giving of herself to help others, this wife, mother, and grandmother was snatched from this world into eternity. She was there living her faith, there serving God in the poorest country in this side of the world and in a moment she entered eternity.

How do we go from being to not being, from life to death, from mortal to immortal? What heartbreak is felt in the loss? I know the heartbreak, I know the loss and I know the pain of losing a parent, two in fact. The destruction of a family by the loss of a member extends beyond the immediate. the loss by this family hurt a little friend of mine as he has experienced so much loss in his little life it would almost seem unfair.

I started my day with my free timmies, it wasn't right, but it was pleasant and a nice surprise. I will end the day with prayer on my lips for all these families and the millions in Haiti. Why do I deserve to live in Canada? The guilt comes at me in waves like the aftershocks of the quakes. So many times I have asked that question. Why have I been so blessed to live here. I have my beloved and my children, my friends and so much more. These poor people, the Haitians and the families who have lost someone have all this and more they now have sorrow, mourning and tears to wash their pillows.

There go the voices again

Now that I have recognized that they exist, they can't seem to just shut up. Memories flood into my consciousness from familiar and obscure places. Unpacking this will take more than a few posts, and to be honest I am a little scared about what I will write and say and what I might hear and repeat.

The flooding is almost biblical in proportion except I haven't been paying attention for 40 days yet. Without provocation, memories take residence in the front of my mind and people, scenes and voices become more prominent than before. Is there a reason for all this? Should I have a guide in this process? I've been thinking a lot lately about what this might mean, maybe the sub conscious is fighting a winning battle to bring something to my attention. Maybe this experience is happening so I will pay attention to something or someone and maybe just me, you never know. We are so much more than separated faculties, body, mind, soul are intertwined so significantly, yet most of us, treat them as separate and unrelated entities. I have been treating them like that, but now they are starting to merge like a Canadian does on a highway, definitely not the way an American does (sorry personal comment about American driving just had to come out there).

I am guilty of neglect. I have done so much to stop the sounds for so long that I am amazed that I can actually still hear them now. I'll journey lightly, taking baby steps into the watery recesses as vocal memories flash into my life. I'll be careful to listen to the voices not just for the words but also for the intent. I will also listen to my heart as whatever is made aware will likely bring some questions.

That's it for now, I'll let you in on my experiences when I return.

committee in my head

Yes, that's what this post is about. there's a committee in my head. I heard that phrase today and it makes total sense, except no one is chairing the committee and sometimes no one is listening.

You see, I can finally say it: "I hear voices". Fortunately for you and I they are not the nasty "son of sam" voices, but they are voices no matter where they are from. Some of you really thought you knew me and this may be too much of a revelation but I think I am on to something with this one. I believe that if you were honest then you too would say that you hear the voices too.

I hear them from so many places and faces. I see and hear things that have occurred over the last 52+ years. Some are terribly sad, some just downright wrong and some kind of weird thankfully some are happy and pleasant. It seems that I have worked very hard to compartmentalize my thoughts and memories and the voices are starting to push through and out of the compartments and I hear them.

No, I am not going crazy. We all have this going on, it's just that some of us are finally being honest in recognizing and believing what we hear. The sounds of silence no more. Come back soon as I am planning on unpacking what this all means.

01 - 01 - 2010

Happy New Year

I am amazed that another year is gone and a new one has just begun. Looking back over the last year we have been through a lot again and have been supported by family, friends and most importantly by the Lord. His gracious care has been the steadying rudder in the storm that was 2009. The adversity that we experienced has been tempered by the knowledge that this world is not our home and no matter what happens on this plane, where we are heading is so much better than here.

A little downer to start the year was not the intent of this post, so I have much more to say about the past and hopes for the future. I made a few commitments to myself at the start of 2009, not sure what I completed, but am sure of this I finally read through the entire bible. The attempt for 2009 was to read it chronologically and I accomplished it. I learned so much by reading it this way, at times it felt much more like a story, rather than a series of unrelated verses. I intend to do the same this year, just not sure I will read it chronologically or another way (I guess that's resolution # 1 for 2010). I finished the year lighter that I started and that trend will hopefully continue over this year (I guess that's resolution # 2). I want to invest more in the people I love this year: my beloved and children come first, then the "family" (granny, poppa Tasha and KJ) as well as other friends like our small group and others at church as well as Mrs. C. and the Mechanic (two of the most true and loyal friends a person could dream to have and I'm not just writing this because she reads my blog). Then there are the folk I work with, especially the Ref. My goal this year is to be real to everyone I meet and to be intentional in living my life to love people as God would want me to love them, without reservation(I guess that makes those resolution # 3). I will blog more but with less predetermined headings. You will see more of my heart in the things I say, some of which will hopefully challenge me and you (I guess that's resolution # 4 and that's about enough for one person).

Have a great year, live and love intentionally with a purpose. You will be moved if you live and give without expecting anything in return. Don't practice random acts of kindness, be kind no matter what and don't just love your friends, do good to those who hurt you, you will disarm their anger and hatred and who knows maybe, just maybe you and they will be changed.

Happy New Year