I am weary of Grief

Grief has visited me again, or maybe it just never left.

I am a linear thinker and I seem to live this way too, I have discovered that grief doesn't follow a stated path, it comes and visits me for a while, then it leaves me, sometimes in peace, often not. It never announces that it is returning, it just shows up, often at the worst times. Honestly, is there ever a good time for grief? I'm not sure if that was rhetorical.

And now, following a lovely day celebrating my life with loved ones and new friends, it, my other new friend, returned. I wonder if it is related to despair. The type that comes from something being "just not right". I don't know anymore.

I can't control it. I can't make it follow a logical path. I can't stop it and I hate it. I know that there is supposed to be great healing from living through the pain and the reward for perseverance is just that. It is isn't it? I've always thought that if I just persevere through the tough stuff that a reward is at the end of that time. Maybe there is no reward, maybe it is just the knowledge that I accomplished what I set out to do.

I just don't know anymore...........................

Tending the soul part deux

I've been working with someone for the past few weeks who is trying to help me to "tend my soul". He is gentle and kind. He cares for me and he listens and doesn't judge me for my feelings about loss. Too many people want me to just "get over it" and my grief is making them uncomfortable. This drives me to guilt, because I am now feeling responsible for the discomfort of others due to my grieving.

What a whacked out world we live in. How can I feel guilty for grieving? Clearly, I need to work on a few of these things.

My friend started by having me read a portion of scripture (aloud), he said that Jesus was Jewish and they read scripture out loud. The he asked me to journal my thoughts after meditating on the scripture verse. I struggled with this and he now reviews the scripture and then writes encouragement to me. He is a true friend.

So, the soul is being tended. Where this leads us, who knows except this, we are in the right direction, I hope.

Taking time

I realize that I need to take time to "tend my soul".

We live in a society that reinforces the busy and does not usually recognize the need to "take" time for reflection and thought processing. Too many times I find myself day dreaming and then feel guilty because of the clock on the wall and the demands it places upon me.

Our western work ethic demands so much of us and what does it give? I have my own work ethic, it says give my employer a fair days work for the wages that they give to me. It doesn't always set the traditional time frames for goal accomplishment, but rather looks at the goal and fits it in when appropriate.

I used to take a day away from work for prayer and quiet meditation every 3 - 4 months. I have not done this in several years mainly due to changes at the Monastery where I attended. It has come to my attention that they are returning to a monthly format again and I can't wait to go.

I also have friends who own a beautiful b & b called Applewood Hollow who have offered for me to spend a night or two there if I need to get away for some solitude. What you see in the photo above is the entrance to the third room which is set aside for people who want to get away for some silence, solitude and to "tend their soul".

I need to stop thinking and start planning. While I await, the drudge of grief continues.

Tending the soul

I met with someone last week who helped me see through some of my grief and who also helped me to understand that I can permit myself to grieve. To be honest, I'm not even sure I know how to grieve. All I know is that I miss my friend/mentor/mother figure so much that it physically hurts. This comes at a time in my life that I am ostensibly out of physical pain and the emotional pain of loss is overtaking me.

My counsellor/friend suggested that maybe now is the time to "tend my soul". I really liked the wording, I think that's what he said and I would really like to do that, but, I don't know how. I read scripture more out of practice than interest, I admitted that I have great difficulty praying, to which he stated "ask others to pray for you".

How does one "tend the soul" though?

I think I have some learning to do and some planning. It's time to schedule some alone time and some time away with my beloved who may be suffering some collateral damage because of my grief experience. She too misses Ruth terrible and her death has shaken us.

Time heals, apparently.