To sleep and rest some more

I changed plans this weekend. I was supposed to be away with 56 guys at a lake in cottages attending a men's retreat. I agreed to attend, in part because some of my friends asked me to be there. Part of me really didn't want to be there though. I came home on Friday confused about my decision. I decided to take some rest and then make a final decision.

I finally decided that I would not attend the retreat and once I did that I felt like a mountain had been taken off my shoulders. I called and emailed those closest to me to advise of my decision and to a man they support me, thanks guys. Above you can see a photo from last years retreat and this is what I would have seen again.

I need rest. I need a break and spending the weekend busy with retreat things will not have allowed me to do this. Will I have missed some positives, of course. But, I slept 12 hours last night, I don't normally sleep that much and I would not have gotten that rest at the cottage with the guys.

There is more rest needed. I need to rest from grieving, and I don't know how. Grief has taken and gripped me in a fierce battle. I have fought it and endured it, I have cried and sobbed and I still cannot shake it. I need help and decided that I needed to reach out and get some help. I am meeting someone on Tuesday at his office to talk about my grief, my feelings, my pain and I want to live in this grief and experience it deeply and then I want it to go!

I want to remember my friend for so much more than my warm living hand on her cold head. There are times that this is all I can remember and it crushes my heart like a grape is crushed for juice, without mercy. I hope that with time, this grief observed will help me to better understand the depth of love that I have for her and most importantly the depth of love God has for me. Knowing His loss, He still loved me, knowing my loss, He still loves me and He is not offended by my anger, frustration or disappointment.

I need to rest some more.................

I need to.........................................

I need............................................

I...................................................