Grief is taking its' toll

If this was a toll road, I would be broke already.

I am having a really difficult time dealing with the loss of Ruth. My friend in the picture to your right. She left us on Aug.18/10 after a short battle with cancer. Cancer won that battle, but the war has been won by the one she trusted in completely.

That leaves me and many others in the wake of her absence. In my professional work I have encouraged countless others to "take advantage" of their EAP or Employee Assistance Program and have been known to advise that "the strong ask for help" but the weak think they can do it on their own. The "it" being the life demands that come flying at us in no uncertain order after a significant loss.

The phrase, "physician heal thy self" is screaming at me. I have managed numerous issues for others yet have not followed my own advice..............yet. Today I began reading C.S Lewis' "A Grief Observed" and I am unsure what it has done for me yet. I have decided with the help of my beloved to reach out to a professional for help in this grief process. We will see if this will help me deal with the enormous weight that is my grief. It is compounded by the joy I have in other areas of my current life. I have overcome a huge obstacle and I want to celebrate it, but her loss is holding me back and I manufacture joy for the benefit of others.

The world goes on after someone dies. Friends with no intended malice forget about  concerns because their lives are filled with their own issues. Most people have to get on with their lives, most people don't get more than a day or three off to grieve. After that most are expected to just "suck it up buttercup" and not impose our grief on the lives of others. Few, if any understand. One does, though. I know one who cares and I am so thankful for him, his comments and his friendship. But he is rare. Most want to offer platitudes that hurt almost as much as the loss. Idiotic comments like "at least she's not in pain anymore" do nothing to help assuage the torrent of grief. Yes, I know where she is and I know who she is with and I still miss her in ways that I can barely explain.    

As I start my day she is in my mind, as I watch the sunrise I see her smile and in the rain I see and feel my tears. The tears of loss that drop seamlessly

I can't do it. I can't get her out of my head. There is so much about her that I miss. I miss the contact, the depth of her biblical knowledge, the wisdom that came from her obedience, the love that came from surrender. Truly her freedom came from a bended knee, very much unlike Eddie Vedder.

Help wanted is the sign on my consciousness. In these days of mass unemployment, I am trusting that this professional will do her work and help me manage this hurt.