Tending the soul part deux

I've been working with someone for the past few weeks who is trying to help me to "tend my soul". He is gentle and kind. He cares for me and he listens and doesn't judge me for my feelings about loss. Too many people want me to just "get over it" and my grief is making them uncomfortable. This drives me to guilt, because I am now feeling responsible for the discomfort of others due to my grieving.

What a whacked out world we live in. How can I feel guilty for grieving? Clearly, I need to work on a few of these things.

My friend started by having me read a portion of scripture (aloud), he said that Jesus was Jewish and they read scripture out loud. The he asked me to journal my thoughts after meditating on the scripture verse. I struggled with this and he now reviews the scripture and then writes encouragement to me. He is a true friend.

So, the soul is being tended. Where this leads us, who knows except this, we are in the right direction, I hope.

Taking time

I realize that I need to take time to "tend my soul".

We live in a society that reinforces the busy and does not usually recognize the need to "take" time for reflection and thought processing. Too many times I find myself day dreaming and then feel guilty because of the clock on the wall and the demands it places upon me.

Our western work ethic demands so much of us and what does it give? I have my own work ethic, it says give my employer a fair days work for the wages that they give to me. It doesn't always set the traditional time frames for goal accomplishment, but rather looks at the goal and fits it in when appropriate.

I used to take a day away from work for prayer and quiet meditation every 3 - 4 months. I have not done this in several years mainly due to changes at the Monastery where I attended. It has come to my attention that they are returning to a monthly format again and I can't wait to go.

I also have friends who own a beautiful b & b called Applewood Hollow who have offered for me to spend a night or two there if I need to get away for some solitude. What you see in the photo above is the entrance to the third room which is set aside for people who want to get away for some silence, solitude and to "tend their soul".

I need to stop thinking and start planning. While I await, the drudge of grief continues.

Tending the soul

I met with someone last week who helped me see through some of my grief and who also helped me to understand that I can permit myself to grieve. To be honest, I'm not even sure I know how to grieve. All I know is that I miss my friend/mentor/mother figure so much that it physically hurts. This comes at a time in my life that I am ostensibly out of physical pain and the emotional pain of loss is overtaking me.

My counsellor/friend suggested that maybe now is the time to "tend my soul". I really liked the wording, I think that's what he said and I would really like to do that, but, I don't know how. I read scripture more out of practice than interest, I admitted that I have great difficulty praying, to which he stated "ask others to pray for you".

How does one "tend the soul" though?

I think I have some learning to do and some planning. It's time to schedule some alone time and some time away with my beloved who may be suffering some collateral damage because of my grief experience. She too misses Ruth terrible and her death has shaken us.

Time heals, apparently.

To sleep and rest some more

I changed plans this weekend. I was supposed to be away with 56 guys at a lake in cottages attending a men's retreat. I agreed to attend, in part because some of my friends asked me to be there. Part of me really didn't want to be there though. I came home on Friday confused about my decision. I decided to take some rest and then make a final decision.

I finally decided that I would not attend the retreat and once I did that I felt like a mountain had been taken off my shoulders. I called and emailed those closest to me to advise of my decision and to a man they support me, thanks guys. Above you can see a photo from last years retreat and this is what I would have seen again.

I need rest. I need a break and spending the weekend busy with retreat things will not have allowed me to do this. Will I have missed some positives, of course. But, I slept 12 hours last night, I don't normally sleep that much and I would not have gotten that rest at the cottage with the guys.

There is more rest needed. I need to rest from grieving, and I don't know how. Grief has taken and gripped me in a fierce battle. I have fought it and endured it, I have cried and sobbed and I still cannot shake it. I need help and decided that I needed to reach out and get some help. I am meeting someone on Tuesday at his office to talk about my grief, my feelings, my pain and I want to live in this grief and experience it deeply and then I want it to go!

I want to remember my friend for so much more than my warm living hand on her cold head. There are times that this is all I can remember and it crushes my heart like a grape is crushed for juice, without mercy. I hope that with time, this grief observed will help me to better understand the depth of love that I have for her and most importantly the depth of love God has for me. Knowing His loss, He still loved me, knowing my loss, He still loves me and He is not offended by my anger, frustration or disappointment.

I need to rest some more.................

I need to.........................................

I need............................................

I...................................................

honesty, truth and friendship

For over two years I have been sharing time in the morning every Monday to Friday with some very dear friends. One of the friends has since passed and I have written often about my struggle with losing her. With her passing I didn't know what would happen with these conversations, now I call her husband every morning to share a little of what I have "discovered" from my daily bible reading adventures.

This morning out of all the verses that I read one little verse from the book of proverbs stood out. Proverbs chapter 24:26 states: "an honest answer is like a kiss of friendship". I shared it with my friend and the words, honesty, truth and friendship just stuck out.

Honesty, Truth and Friendship. Is there anything else that we could ask for? Does my life have definition based on them? Can we actually share those with anyone?

Obscure lyric, is it the right time for a return?

Someone stopped me in the halls of work today and let me know that he missed the "Obscure Musical Lyric" contest.

It has been some time since I decided to give it a rest. I have been thinking of resurrecting it again lately. I miss the weekly foray into the recesses of my trivial mind. So, if you have anything to say about this let me know what you think. Feel free to comment or to email me, you should be able to find my address somewhere on the site.

I'm game to start up again. It just might be a tonic (no Gin) that I need to help me with some of the difficulties that I currently face. Thinking logically about this though, it means that I have to work out some logistical issues because I will be away for two weeks, one each in mid November and mid December.

Maybe we should delay the resurrection until after Christmas, yes Christmas not the holiday season. Hey it's my blog, I'll call it what I want. Now you know where I stand on all that pc crap.

Grief is taking its' toll

If this was a toll road, I would be broke already.

I am having a really difficult time dealing with the loss of Ruth. My friend in the picture to your right. She left us on Aug.18/10 after a short battle with cancer. Cancer won that battle, but the war has been won by the one she trusted in completely.

That leaves me and many others in the wake of her absence. In my professional work I have encouraged countless others to "take advantage" of their EAP or Employee Assistance Program and have been known to advise that "the strong ask for help" but the weak think they can do it on their own. The "it" being the life demands that come flying at us in no uncertain order after a significant loss.

The phrase, "physician heal thy self" is screaming at me. I have managed numerous issues for others yet have not followed my own advice..............yet. Today I began reading C.S Lewis' "A Grief Observed" and I am unsure what it has done for me yet. I have decided with the help of my beloved to reach out to a professional for help in this grief process. We will see if this will help me deal with the enormous weight that is my grief. It is compounded by the joy I have in other areas of my current life. I have overcome a huge obstacle and I want to celebrate it, but her loss is holding me back and I manufacture joy for the benefit of others.

The world goes on after someone dies. Friends with no intended malice forget about  concerns because their lives are filled with their own issues. Most people have to get on with their lives, most people don't get more than a day or three off to grieve. After that most are expected to just "suck it up buttercup" and not impose our grief on the lives of others. Few, if any understand. One does, though. I know one who cares and I am so thankful for him, his comments and his friendship. But he is rare. Most want to offer platitudes that hurt almost as much as the loss. Idiotic comments like "at least she's not in pain anymore" do nothing to help assuage the torrent of grief. Yes, I know where she is and I know who she is with and I still miss her in ways that I can barely explain.    

As I start my day she is in my mind, as I watch the sunrise I see her smile and in the rain I see and feel my tears. The tears of loss that drop seamlessly

I can't do it. I can't get her out of my head. There is so much about her that I miss. I miss the contact, the depth of her biblical knowledge, the wisdom that came from her obedience, the love that came from surrender. Truly her freedom came from a bended knee, very much unlike Eddie Vedder.

Help wanted is the sign on my consciousness. In these days of mass unemployment, I am trusting that this professional will do her work and help me manage this hurt.

Dreams should be greater than memories

I heard a piece of a message from Chuck Swindoll on the radio today. I don't remember anything except this quote, "dreams should be greater than memories".

For some reason, I have once again been immersed in thoughts about dreaming. I know that I have lamented the lack of dreaming on my part and the paucity of dreamers that are somewhat rational.  I believe that thoughts come for a reason. Within me lies a dreamer who has become afraid to dream. I am pushed to the limit by the lack of authenticity in my life because I seem to just be filling roles for the sake of making time count.

If my dreams are to be greater than my memories then what can i dream about? What is there out there or in there for me to dream and hopefully go beyond dreaming and put it into action. I am still working on "Into the Wild" and trying to learn from Chris McCandless and the other dreamers who gave up normalcy to accomplish their dreams.

I have to first allow myself to dream and I have to move the dreams from their present hidden place in my consciousness and bring them to the fore. Exactly how I do that is a lingering question. If I accomplish that, what happens then? I immediately began to think and write from a negative perspective I " can't" do that because ............... just came to my mind.

Where does this leave me now? I have great memories and I want dreams that are greater than these, why? They will create even greater memories and then the dreams will be substantially greater again. This is becoming like the song that doesn't end.

Somehow, I think this dream question is starting to become formed into something more than a frustrating idea. it is beginning to form itself into a practical application that might become real. I do hope so because it is frustrating to say the least.