Is celebrating a death ok?

Over the past days I have heard much about the death of Bin Laden.

Much has disgusted me. Much about him, if not all disgusted me also. He was responsible for the deaths of many, probably not just on 9/11.

I recall video of him celebrating the "successes" of the 19 hijackers and I was shaken by the morbid happiness demonstrated by himself and his co-conspirators.

Now we see many celebrating his death. Are these no different than him?

Where have we come to when we supposedly intelligent and free people are celebrating the death of another human being? Are we, therefore, no better than he? None of us may wear the mantle of perfection, for all have sinned and have fallen short of the Glory of God.

What is next, gladiatorial games. It's not that far a stretch. One of ours against one of yours for all the marbles. When will we begin to adhere to teaching that implores to "love your enemies" and "do good to those who hurt you"? 

Is this what we want our children to see and learn and do? Celebrating and chanting at the death of one we hate, how much different is this from the early 1930's style propaganda? Look what that gave us.

Interesting that both Hitler and Bin Laden dies on the same day. Part of Obama's re-election plan, I wonder!

Bin Laden, like all of us will stand before our Maker one day. He is the Judge and vengeance is His alone. We too may be found guilty of our crimes but will any be found fit to stand at a time when every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord of all. There will be no celebrating then, there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth unless a satisfactory substitute for our death is provided.

Taking time

I realize that I need to take time to "tend my soul".

We live in a society that reinforces the busy and does not usually recognize the need to "take" time for reflection and thought processing. Too many times I find myself day dreaming and then feel guilty because of the clock on the wall and the demands it places upon me.

Our western work ethic demands so much of us and what does it give? I have my own work ethic, it says give my employer a fair days work for the wages that they give to me. It doesn't always set the traditional time frames for goal accomplishment, but rather looks at the goal and fits it in when appropriate.

I used to take a day away from work for prayer and quiet meditation every 3 - 4 months. I have not done this in several years mainly due to changes at the Monastery where I attended. It has come to my attention that they are returning to a monthly format again and I can't wait to go.

I also have friends who own a beautiful b & b called Applewood Hollow who have offered for me to spend a night or two there if I need to get away for some solitude. What you see in the photo above is the entrance to the third room which is set aside for people who want to get away for some silence, solitude and to "tend their soul".

I need to stop thinking and start planning. While I await, the drudge of grief continues.

To sleep and rest some more

I changed plans this weekend. I was supposed to be away with 56 guys at a lake in cottages attending a men's retreat. I agreed to attend, in part because some of my friends asked me to be there. Part of me really didn't want to be there though. I came home on Friday confused about my decision. I decided to take some rest and then make a final decision.

I finally decided that I would not attend the retreat and once I did that I felt like a mountain had been taken off my shoulders. I called and emailed those closest to me to advise of my decision and to a man they support me, thanks guys. Above you can see a photo from last years retreat and this is what I would have seen again.

I need rest. I need a break and spending the weekend busy with retreat things will not have allowed me to do this. Will I have missed some positives, of course. But, I slept 12 hours last night, I don't normally sleep that much and I would not have gotten that rest at the cottage with the guys.

There is more rest needed. I need to rest from grieving, and I don't know how. Grief has taken and gripped me in a fierce battle. I have fought it and endured it, I have cried and sobbed and I still cannot shake it. I need help and decided that I needed to reach out and get some help. I am meeting someone on Tuesday at his office to talk about my grief, my feelings, my pain and I want to live in this grief and experience it deeply and then I want it to go!

I want to remember my friend for so much more than my warm living hand on her cold head. There are times that this is all I can remember and it crushes my heart like a grape is crushed for juice, without mercy. I hope that with time, this grief observed will help me to better understand the depth of love that I have for her and most importantly the depth of love God has for me. Knowing His loss, He still loved me, knowing my loss, He still loves me and He is not offended by my anger, frustration or disappointment.

I need to rest some more.................

I need to.........................................

I need............................................

I...................................................

Grief is taking its' toll

If this was a toll road, I would be broke already.

I am having a really difficult time dealing with the loss of Ruth. My friend in the picture to your right. She left us on Aug.18/10 after a short battle with cancer. Cancer won that battle, but the war has been won by the one she trusted in completely.

That leaves me and many others in the wake of her absence. In my professional work I have encouraged countless others to "take advantage" of their EAP or Employee Assistance Program and have been known to advise that "the strong ask for help" but the weak think they can do it on their own. The "it" being the life demands that come flying at us in no uncertain order after a significant loss.

The phrase, "physician heal thy self" is screaming at me. I have managed numerous issues for others yet have not followed my own advice..............yet. Today I began reading C.S Lewis' "A Grief Observed" and I am unsure what it has done for me yet. I have decided with the help of my beloved to reach out to a professional for help in this grief process. We will see if this will help me deal with the enormous weight that is my grief. It is compounded by the joy I have in other areas of my current life. I have overcome a huge obstacle and I want to celebrate it, but her loss is holding me back and I manufacture joy for the benefit of others.

The world goes on after someone dies. Friends with no intended malice forget about  concerns because their lives are filled with their own issues. Most people have to get on with their lives, most people don't get more than a day or three off to grieve. After that most are expected to just "suck it up buttercup" and not impose our grief on the lives of others. Few, if any understand. One does, though. I know one who cares and I am so thankful for him, his comments and his friendship. But he is rare. Most want to offer platitudes that hurt almost as much as the loss. Idiotic comments like "at least she's not in pain anymore" do nothing to help assuage the torrent of grief. Yes, I know where she is and I know who she is with and I still miss her in ways that I can barely explain.    

As I start my day she is in my mind, as I watch the sunrise I see her smile and in the rain I see and feel my tears. The tears of loss that drop seamlessly

I can't do it. I can't get her out of my head. There is so much about her that I miss. I miss the contact, the depth of her biblical knowledge, the wisdom that came from her obedience, the love that came from surrender. Truly her freedom came from a bended knee, very much unlike Eddie Vedder.

Help wanted is the sign on my consciousness. In these days of mass unemployment, I am trusting that this professional will do her work and help me manage this hurt.

It's already been a month

I have a hard time believing that a month and more has passed since I lost Ruth. Many others lost her too, some who knew her for many years. But I lost someone who knew me, who loved me, who trusted me and who believed in me so much.

There is at least one others person who also does the same things and she loves me no matter what. My beloved will always believe in me, Ruth meant something different than my beloved did. Ruth was like a Mom to me and there is a special relationship between a young man and his Mom. I see it with my own son, he and his mother have a bond that is nigh unbreakable. It is amazing to watch and see the depth of the love and the honesty and fun and trust they have and they are something to behold.

I had that with Ruth and she is gone. I want to call her and tell her about my accomplishments, like walking around the block and I can't. I know some think that you can talk to the dearly departed and they hear us, I want more than that I want a response.  That's not too much to ask is it? I can ask, but I am not going to get it any time soon.

In the parts of my brain that understand hard facts, I know I will see her again, but I want to see her now. I want to talk to her and hear her advice and wise comments and even a few wise cracks. Oh she could laugh and love but she couldn't last. That damn cancer took her and yes I understand it was God's timing, but just once I wanted it to be on my terms. So many kind acting people have said things like "we only see one part of the canvas", or "we only see just a few pixels of the whole picture" and I understand all that, it just doesn't help to alleviate the hurt.

Their well meaning platitudes don't help anymore.

How do I miss her? let me count the ways.................

It's been a month already

I can't really believe it.

A month has gone by since she passed and I miss her still and so much.

Death is a thief, it comes at the most inopportune time and steals our loved ones from us. It rips them from our hands and draws them from the warmth of our lives.

And yet, we who believe that death is not final know this, the victory of death is short lived and the sting of death will pass. We know that she is living an eternal life with the one she loved more than us. We know that all she really wanted was to see Jesus and be welcomed home. We know that she was received with these words: "well done good and faithful servant into into the joy of your rest". And rest she will, when she is not loving and worshipping the one who formed her in her mothers womb. The one who lovingly sought after her when she needed to really know Him.

A month has gone in our time measurement. We will see you again soon but I still miss you terribly.........

Waves of Grief

I can't remember it being like this. The grief comes and goes like massive waves crashing on me like the ocean. There are relative times of peace or is it just distraction? Then the next wave comes and it washes over me and is bitter like the gallons of salt water at the sea.

I can't and won't control it. It is a message that I still have a heart. I want to cry again but I am now afraid that I won't stop again. Once again that fear of losing it to the despair sits on my shoulder and says go ahead and see what happens.

What love is this, that I miss you so much that I need constant distraction to drive you out. I don't want to drive you out though, I want to remember you and I want to smile and laugh with abandon and in joy. I can't look at the pictures yet, I can't see you like that, I have to remember you before cancer eat it's way through your beautiful body. More than a shell you were, you were a vessel of great beauty that was used to reflect His great joy and peace to so many other people.

The waves still crash on this ragged shore. He had no idea what collateral damage would be when he acted out  2 years ago. He had no clue because he was so selfish and because of that many more are left to mourn a greater loss.

What a weird thought, if he hadn't done it, then I wouldn't have this loss to speak about. Not that I am about to thank him, but it does make me think and know that all these actions are related and someone is in control, no matter what.

Numb including the skull

Buried and memorialized in less than three days. How could it be over that quick?

After what seems like a lifetime of interaction, I will never see her again this side if heaven. What is positive about that? I am tired, angry, lost, hurt, so sad and in such a deep place right now. I want to talk with her again, I want to know how she is, I want to know if she has warmed up yet, the last time I touched her she was so cold, I hated it.

I know I'm not supposed to ask why. But I'm just not that good that I can't ask it. Why and how is this part of some perfect plan? Why couldn't she live longer, why did it have to be this way? How can the survivors manage given the depth of the loss? Never mind the rest of us with no blood relationship to her. I know that at some time all will be revealed and I will have a great big aha moment, but it just isn't working for me right now. I am so tired it seems that everything hurts right now.

There's been too much taken from these little ones. Am I jealous of her peace? You bet I am but I don't begrudge her of the absence of her pain, I am glad for that, but why did it have to be this way? I can't seem to find the peace to this right now.

I haven't cried this much ever. I cried during church today because the songs reminded me so much of her. I cried when I was finishing her eulogy on the computer. I cried when I practiced the song for her in sound checks. But when it came time to deliver, I made it through. I have the ability to turn that part off when needed, but now I can't turn this part off.

I need sleep. I am hurting so much and I am so numb at the same time. I am hurting physically, emotionally and even spiritually. Is there an answer? Do I just do what I told all these people to do today? I'm not sure I believe myself anymore I don't even know what I believe, I need sleep and soon.

To sleep perchance to dream. No thanks, I have no interest in dreaming right now, I just want to shut the lines down and rest. The demands of tomorrow scare me, how can I perform well given what I just went through?

I am numb and angry, sad and tired, lonely for her voice and her gentle voice to talk to the shepherd, he'll know, he'll understand, he's been lonely, sad, hurt, numb, he's been there.

I hate it cancer and death stink.

So hard to let go

I lost a friend today. She was so much more than a friend to me. She went peacefully at 5:40 am, I saw her within ten minutes and sat and cried as I have never cried before. She was certainly a mother figure, a mentor, an example and someone who was more real than most people I have met. We talked daily for over two years and we didn't just talk about the weather. We talked about deep life experiences and the effect of great losses on our lives. We always talked about the bible. For the past 2 + years I have been able to read my bible daily and from these readings at least one verse stood out for her and her husband. She  gave me a purpose that I have not felt before. I was responsible for keeping her up to date in my life. Through this I was also responsible for not giving up, but for ensuring that I kept reading as I had agreed to.

I'm supposed to write a eulogy for her. I have never written one before and it is weighing heavily on me. What do I say about her that borders on such a personal relationship? She did not want too much made of her in this memorial service. She didn't want people to hear all the good things about her, rather she wanted people to hear about what and who she believed in.

She was a Christ follower. She knew the bible well. She had committed much of the bible to memory and much of her personal bible was covered in highlighted parts. These verses spell out her life and her relationship with her Lord.

So many people have said: "she's no longer in pain" and that is true, but the selfish me wants her still here so I can draw deep from the well that she is. The selfish me wants her here longer than her creator does and I have to listen to Him and "let her go". But it's too hard to do that. I wasn't finished with her yet, I wanted so much more from her and I realize that her body was worn out beyond her time frame and she needed to go home. She even said it several days ago, when asked she nodded that she was tired of this earth and wanted to go and visit with her daughter and her Lord.

And there she is, meeting Val and Jesus who said t her "well done good and faithful servant enter into your rest". She needed and deserved rest, while I still have work to accomplish. I have practical things to do for her, her husband and their grandchildren and I have much more to do. I will follow my path and wait for my turn to break free from this harsh world. Today I fight with letting go, some day I will be be waiting to go and see her again.

It's still too hard to let go, but there is coming a day when I will see her again. When that day arrives, I will have no pain, there will be no tears and death will be defeated and there will be no more dying and that's a much better prospect.

Why is it so hard to let go?

A loved one lies dying and I don't want to let go. The weird thing is we have only known each other for two years and four months and I love her as if she was my mother. In the time since that terrible day when her daughter was taken, she and I have developed a deep relationship. She had so much to share that many others also were recipients of her gift of love, joy, laughter and loco parentis. She became "mother" to many of us, her new family and we welcomed the mothering. Now we are taking care of her and her remaining family because the mounting losses are encroaching on them from what appears to be all sides.

I hate cancer. I hate what it has done to her and to so many others. She on the other hand accepted her difficulties with the same grace that expresses the deepest faith I have ever seen. How can one woman be so deeply gifted and yet so deeply challenged? God knows and just like Job and his patience, she walked with God and would not curse Him for His choices. No, she welcomed God's plans, because His plans are higher than her plans and His thoughts are higher than her thoughts. She trusted in Him that He would deliver her from all of this and one day He will provide her with a heavenly body, with no pain, no death, no dying and no more tears.

I already miss her. All that is left is a shell and the ability to barely move. I want to turn the clock back and talk, we had daily "dates" where we would talk about the bible, life, the children, the sadness and the joys. Now, we communicate by my reading the bible to her, by the gentle touch of a hand, by a tender kiss and by her blinking her eyes. I have learned so much from this wonderful woman that it may take years to unpack the thoughts. In the meantime, I will let go ever so slowly.

What is this great plan? For what reason were we introduced to this family? She said yes to a simple invitation to stay in our home after her great loss. If she had said no, none of this would have involved us. But, she said yes. She chose to invite us into her world and then in her loss she brightened our lives. I feel strangely guilty for getting so much because of her loss. And now I watch her as she fades from this world into eternity. She goes confidently into the dark night. She does not fear because she knows where she is going and I will miss her greatly.

But why? There I said it, why? I want to shake my fist and scream why. I don't want to lose another Mother.  I know I will soon and the demands of the practical will take over and I will be busy, but I will not let go.

A free timmies and an earthquake

Two things that would likely never find themselves in the same sentence, never mind the same heading just did. How in the world did they manage to collide?

I stop at the same timmies every morning on my way to the office (you know I am a creature of habit). I usually go thorough the drive through, they are quick and there's minimal effect on the atmosphere. I am usually polite, I try to say good morning as I order my large double double refill, that's where I save the planet by not using paper cups :). I know some of the servers by name and like to address them by their names so they too feel respected and like they matter. This morning was different in that when I git to the till, they told me that my coffee was free, why I asked? Because, I was so pleasant, they said. It was probably a gimmick, but it made me think about being nice to others, and for the most part I tried to pass on that sense of good will to those I spoke with all day.

I heard about the earthquake this morning. I was horrified as I realized how many people must have been crushed to death in all the turmoil. As I arrived home I was greeted by my beloved with the news that someone we know, someone's daughter-in-law that our daughter babysat for, was killed in the quake. How in the world could this happen? Not two hours in the country with a group of nurses giving of herself to help others, this wife, mother, and grandmother was snatched from this world into eternity. She was there living her faith, there serving God in the poorest country in this side of the world and in a moment she entered eternity.

How do we go from being to not being, from life to death, from mortal to immortal? What heartbreak is felt in the loss? I know the heartbreak, I know the loss and I know the pain of losing a parent, two in fact. The destruction of a family by the loss of a member extends beyond the immediate. the loss by this family hurt a little friend of mine as he has experienced so much loss in his little life it would almost seem unfair.

I started my day with my free timmies, it wasn't right, but it was pleasant and a nice surprise. I will end the day with prayer on my lips for all these families and the millions in Haiti. Why do I deserve to live in Canada? The guilt comes at me in waves like the aftershocks of the quakes. So many times I have asked that question. Why have I been so blessed to live here. I have my beloved and my children, my friends and so much more. These poor people, the Haitians and the families who have lost someone have all this and more they now have sorrow, mourning and tears to wash their pillows.

Tuesday's with Morrie (no spoilers)

Just finished reading this little book by Mitch Albom. A good story of Mitch going back to meet with his former college(it's American) professor as the professor teaches him life lessons as he(the professor) is dying of ALS.

Mitch learns lots of life lessons and so does Morrie. It's well writer and has sold lots of copies. It was pretty light and yet deep, one particular quote that stands out for me is stated while the professor, a life long agnostic says in response to a question about the after life: "I have not settled on one yet, however, this is too harmonious, grand, and overwhelming a universe to believe that it's all an accident".

Sad that a death bed is where the realization that all of this is not an accident, better late than never. Thankfully, more and more so called educated people have begun to accept that coming from monkeys, primordial slime or some accidental cosmic experience is not the genesis of our universe

Ready to Die, Prepared to Live

I heard that or some form of that on a radio program last week, in essence it stated that "if you are ready to die then you are truly prepared to live.

I wonder if I am really prepared to die. I don't want to die and feel that I have much to do before I pass from this world. Are any of us really prepared to die? I know that the speaker was talking about a faith perspective, having made good ones relationship with God that life could truly be lived to the fullest no matter what even to the point of the advent of death.

If I am pursuing a full life of service to God and my fellow man/woman and child then in order to completely set aside that which hinders me and live fully, I must come to the place where I do not fear death or my absence from this world. I must look at my death in a different way.

I do look at death and mine in particular as different in some ways. I now need to decide if I want to live fully based on my beliefs and practice about death. 

More to come on this one, I think.