Thirty years and counting

Just this past Monday, my beloved and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.

It's hard to believe that we have been married for that long. We actually met in 1975 and began dating about a year and a half later. She has given me great joy for all these years. She has stood beside me to support me through everything we have experienced. There have been many wonderful experiences and there have been some very difficult experiences. We have lost family members and friends to death, we have struggled as every couple struggles. Yet, she has stood there as the song says: "stand by your man".

Back in 1981 we stood before God, our family and friends and committed to love, honour and respect each other. To date, we have worked hard at learning to be loving and respectful and with God's help we have more than survived these 30 years, we have thrived and grown in our love and respect for each other.

I am a very fortunate man to have known, courted, loved, married and lived with this amazing person for these years. I have been blessed to have her stand by me especially when I have failed. She is a Proverbs 31 woman and is the epitome of grace when it comes to how she treats me. She loves, respects and defends me. There is a saying that states" "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" but I prefer to say that there is no fury like the fury my beloved displays when she feels that I or one of our children have been attacked unjustly. Heaven will need to help the one who attacks us. That may be their only recourse.

And yet, she forgives.

My only wish is for as many more years that the Lord will give us.

Some timely changes, it's time to move on

It has been some time again since I have had, made or taken the time to write.

To say that I have been overwhelmed is a gross understatement. I have made some timely decisions that have probably added years to my life. I cannot think of a time in my life when I have felt so oppressed and from so many sides. I have regularly said that I have had too many balls in the air and I am no juggler. So, it is time to let a few drop and to stop trying to do things that I cannot do, at least at the present.

I need to move forward. I often use the phrase in my job that one of my responsibilities is to help people move forward. I need to heed to that for myself. There are numerous issues that have been holding me stuck and in some senses holding me back.

So, in making changes to the blog, I am also making changes in my life. I have decided to return to a job that I loved and left in the anticipation of something new and more exciting. The new job was definitely new and exciting, but given the demands in my life, this is no time to be walking a very steep learning curve, that is more mountain than curve.

I also realized that as much as I miss my friend Ruth, I cannot bring her back. The things that have been added to our lives subsequent to her death have been monumental. No matter what I feel and no matter the depth of my grief, I cannot continue to live in the past. I must lead my family from a position of faith and strength that demonstrates love and respect to them first. In doing so, I will serve my God as He commands.

I have been lax in performing my daily personal devotional activities since Nov.8/10. One change will be to continue to return to those things that will help me grow and presumable become a better person based on the influx of spiritual wisdom that comes from a relationship with the One who loves me more than anyone else.

So, look to this forum for some more regular comments, it's time to move on, I'm getting better.

So hard to let go

I lost a friend today. She was so much more than a friend to me. She went peacefully at 5:40 am, I saw her within ten minutes and sat and cried as I have never cried before. She was certainly a mother figure, a mentor, an example and someone who was more real than most people I have met. We talked daily for over two years and we didn't just talk about the weather. We talked about deep life experiences and the effect of great losses on our lives. We always talked about the bible. For the past 2 + years I have been able to read my bible daily and from these readings at least one verse stood out for her and her husband. She  gave me a purpose that I have not felt before. I was responsible for keeping her up to date in my life. Through this I was also responsible for not giving up, but for ensuring that I kept reading as I had agreed to.

I'm supposed to write a eulogy for her. I have never written one before and it is weighing heavily on me. What do I say about her that borders on such a personal relationship? She did not want too much made of her in this memorial service. She didn't want people to hear all the good things about her, rather she wanted people to hear about what and who she believed in.

She was a Christ follower. She knew the bible well. She had committed much of the bible to memory and much of her personal bible was covered in highlighted parts. These verses spell out her life and her relationship with her Lord.

So many people have said: "she's no longer in pain" and that is true, but the selfish me wants her still here so I can draw deep from the well that she is. The selfish me wants her here longer than her creator does and I have to listen to Him and "let her go". But it's too hard to do that. I wasn't finished with her yet, I wanted so much more from her and I realize that her body was worn out beyond her time frame and she needed to go home. She even said it several days ago, when asked she nodded that she was tired of this earth and wanted to go and visit with her daughter and her Lord.

And there she is, meeting Val and Jesus who said t her "well done good and faithful servant enter into your rest". She needed and deserved rest, while I still have work to accomplish. I have practical things to do for her, her husband and their grandchildren and I have much more to do. I will follow my path and wait for my turn to break free from this harsh world. Today I fight with letting go, some day I will be be waiting to go and see her again.

It's still too hard to let go, but there is coming a day when I will see her again. When that day arrives, I will have no pain, there will be no tears and death will be defeated and there will be no more dying and that's a much better prospect.

baby's been bit by a bug

Yes I know a terrible and manufactured attempt at alliteration. I guess I'll get a "b" for the attempt. Maybe something less for the humour, oh well.

My baby girl, aka my daughter and youngest child has developed a wonderful love for travel. I suppose we are to blame, but she has taken the flights to new heights and breadths. When she was young we took regular trips to Florida and even took her to Cuba. But she has been to farther fields than I have ever been and she is still very young.

Just this summer she has been to (in order): England, Denmark, Germany, France, Italy, Ireland (she had to visit the places I walked and where I went to school and where I was born, then back to England to make the uneventful (and parental demanding) trip back to Canada.

And now there's more, she wants to see Canada, at least the western portion before she returns to Ecuador (on yet another missions trip) and all this before she attends school in Virginia (in her brother's footsteps) to study to be a nurse. In the spirit of Tolkien and my summer reading plan, "the road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began" at least for her.

Me, I'm gonna go from the bedroom to the deck to the kitchen to the next comfortable place to sit and rest because her trips tire me out. Oh, the good news, she paid for and will continue to pay for all these trips herself. I guess this is one person who understands self reliance (inside joke for some of you who know me in a different world).

So, what's the point of this post? I love my kids, I love my wife more and to be honest, I have truly enjoyed empty nesting when it arrived earlier this summer. But(you knew there had to be a but), I worry. I know I profess faith and with that faith worry is not exactly a positive virtue. I think about her (and her older brother) when they travel and wonder and worry about their safety.

Letting go gets harder as they grow older and there's no antidote for this bug, oh bother!

The boy has become a Man, part deux.

This morning, I had the memorable opportunity to hear my son preach. he is not training to be a preacher, but he was asked to do so at the church where he is serving this summer. I have had the privilege to sit and be lead in worship by him on several occasions, but this was a new opportunity.

He preached well, he spoke well and he presented a clear and challenging message. To say I am proud would be an understatement. The thing I am most proud of from this morning is his openness and vulnerability. He openly spoke of the challenges he has experienced over the last few years and how they have been used to prune his life.

He clearly has developed into a fine young man (if I do say so myself) and is open to being lead by God as he travels the path before him. Taking time to stand back and view both of my children as young adults is both hard and beneficial. I see my mistakes and I see their choices to become better people than I could have imagined and I am thankful.

The boy has become a Man

I went to a concert last night and watched my son play guitar like I have never seen before. It was a huge eye opener for me. I haven't seen him play since October. Back then he was playing in church and was somewhat reserved. Last night was a concert to raise money for Haiti and the band he was in were the headliners. They asked him to join them as lead guitarist. He was awesome, whether it was his Fender or his Les Paul, he played like a man having fun, and a man who really knew what he was doing. Oh yeah, a man. He has grown into a wonderful young man. He was singing the songs while he played with abandon. He was "having fun" while he played each lick.

I realized somewhere during the 40 minutes that he was playing that he really is no longer a boy, but a man. He is my son, and he is a man. He is planning his future, with God's direction. He is serving Him and for His glory and I could not be more proud. And he will continue to play, lead others and develop the skills of other musicians as he grows in his journey to serve God.

Wow, my boy has really grown to be an awesome young man.

Mothers day 2010

It's been quite some time since I lost my mother. I think 17 or 18 years have passed. It's funny, I still miss her deeply. There are substitutes and they are pretty amazing women, my mother in law for one and Ruth U. the other. These are two of the women that I look up to for the walk of faith that they have lead over many years.

But, mothers day still hurts because of the things I wish I could talk to my Mom about. I want to tell her about the latest exploits of her grandchildren because she would be so proud. She might not understand their choices, but she would bask in the knowledge that her grandchildren were serving others and that meant a lot to her. I remember her giving a glass of cold water on warm days in Dublin and the "Christmas boxes" she gave on boxing day to the service people who delivered milk and bread and others too.

She would be so proud to see my daughter going to a third world country to help those who have just more than nothing and would be blessed to see my son's latest triumph in the musical challenges he has taken on. But, she is not here and it is left for us to encourage our kids and bless them for their selfless behaviours.

So Happy Mother's day Mom. I miss you and do on a daily basis. We are all fine down here and Jo-Anne and the kids miss you too. There are so many things that would make you smile and there are some that would make you sad, I know that because I not only have your eyes but I also have your heart too.

So when I look in the rear view mirror of the car and see only my eyes, I see yours and I think what would it be like if you saw us today.

Rejected

In the sports arena, the word rejected is used as a positive one. A basketball player rejects an opposing players attempt to score by blocking a shot. Similarly, in other sports such as hockey and football, the ability to reject someone is lauded by the supporting members of a team as a positive move. There are even times when a spectacular play by one team member is appreciated by all, foes and fans alike.

But what happens when we are rejected by those whom we think love us? Is that acceptable behaviour? Is someone cheering the outstanding play of one person in their rejection of another?Why is there so much pain in the receipt of rejection?

Obviously, I speak from experience and sadly it is very recent. It has been the practice of my birth family and many others that when a visitor from "home" comes we welcome them and do whatever required to make them feel comfortable and "at home" here while away from home.

My daughter is in England and planned to visit Ireland for a weekend, while on a weekend break from school. I wrote to members of my birth family and asked if they could "put her up" for the weekend and take the time to show her the city I was born in, only as a native could show her. I also asked that they take her to the portion of the city where I was born and let her see the house.

Unfortunately, they rejected my request and my daughter in the process. I am hurt, embarrassed and so saddened by this. I cannot understand or fathom the reason for such a denial. I am reminded though of someone else who "went to his own and his own received him not". This same person was despised and rejected and was acquainted with grief. He knows what I feel like and I am the reason for His grief.

I want to lash out in my anger, I want to deny those who I am related to by blood and I am so saddened by their loss. A huge piece of my identity was ripped from my being by their behaviour. And yet, they have the greater loss. They will never have the opportunity to meet a lovelier young woman whose smile lights up a room, one who gives so much to others so that their life can be somewhat better. Their actions would cause their father, my grandfather immense sadness because they have chosen to miss out on meeting someone whose joy is greater than my deepest sadness or their deepest and most puerile discrimination. So I will rest in this, someone else knows my grief, He lived and died for me, and them. He forgave and I must too.............sometime.

Happy Birthday Baby

My baby girl (she won't be impressed) turns 19 today.

A momentous occasion that has already been busy with breakfast in bed (a Smyth tradition) and an early wake up phone call from from her brother. She and her Daddy will spend the morning going for coffee and maybe a few more surprises.

Looking back and looking forward is interesting. I remember so much. I am anticipating so much for her. She was born on a Friday, and decided to join us in the early evening. She has not been a morning person, from the start.

The future looks interesting, as much as we can envision for her. We don't know what will happen tomorrow, never mind the next day or month or.............. well you get it right?

When she was born, she asked God to take he and bless her and then we gave her back to Him. She belongs to Him first as does all that we own. What He chooses to do is up to Him. If we suffer the recent difficulty that some we know have, then he will carry us. If we suffer little and life for our daughter has everything and the picket fence, then we will accept that too.

Somehow, I think she will be all over the place serving and helping people less fortunate than she is and wanting to help them in some way. The years show what she has been called to.

Happy Birthday Baby.

Just thinking and reviewing

I've been thinking about my blog and my musing on this Tuesday.

If you know me, you know how much I treasure family and friends and guests that are new too. I do not want to be misunderstood so to be clear, I like my quietness and privacy, I do not dislike my family and friends and new guests. I actually try to demonstrate love and kindness to them whether they are old friends(family) or new acquaintances. OK now that I've said that, I am at peace.

My Boy is 22 today

Twenty two years ago today at 7:56 a.m. Josh came into this world and changed our lives forever. Parenting has been an amazing journey. I would not go back to being a non parent for any reason. Today we celebrate Josh's 22nd birthday and there are lots of reasons to celebrate. He has experienced much in his 22 years and for the most part the experiences have been good. Even if the experiences were "bad" he has had opportunities to learn from them, and learn he has. It's in the most difficult times that we realized what(who) is most important to us.

I will call him at 7:56 a.m. and remind him of the words of the midwife (Cathy Smallbone) who stayed overtime after her shift because she wanted to meet this child she had been waiting for all night: "ten fingers ten toes, 7:56 a.m. it's a boy" and all of a sudden, I was a Daddy. What joy, what terror in the same moment as I realized that nothing could ever place a wedge (unless we were golfing) between my son and I.

Tonight we will celebrate with a birthday dinner. Our tradition is that the birthday person gets breakfast in bed and then gets to choose the meal or restaurant for dinner. In typical Josh style, he has chosen to go to the "Charcoal Steakhouse" probably one of the best steakhouses around and the most expensive too. Oh well, it's only once a year and it's my boy's birthday.

Happy 22nd Birthday Josh

Movies with the kids: careful spoilers re: Star Trek

I went to the movies with my kids yesterday. It's actually the second movie that we have attended together already this summer. We are having a great summer already, in spite of some other complications.

It's great to spend time with them no matter their age. I am learning from them, their faith, the love of life, their apparent lack of prejudice. They certainly don't exhibit overt expressions of racism and I don't think they have ever expressed those tendencies.

And they still like to laugh. We watched "Star Trek" yesterday. It was quite a funny movie. I remember the original with Captain James T. Kirk and all the rest of the crew, always thought uhura was cute, and she is now too. I just realized that she was in "The Curse of the Black Pearl" too. Enough about her, this is about me and my kids going to the movies. 

The movie was a fun ride and clearly just a pretense for making many more with this crew as this was the introduction of the new "crew". The relationship with Kirk and all the crew has their beginnings here and this looks like a new Star Trek that I will watch. I watched it in the '70's but never became a trekkie, it was fun to see how they developed the early relationships with "Spock", Uhura, "Bones", "Scotty", Chekov and Sulu. 

I watched the film and remembered the '70's version and saw how these characters were almost pieces of the original, it's as though they studied the original and took parts of the characters to make them their own. I know someone who did that in real life who has been very successful at his craft. I laughed at parts where no one else laughed, who cares right? I jumped when everyone else jumped and was somewhat confused when I ................ well that's too much to tell isn't it? I really loved the movie and the time with the kids(they are really not kids anymore, but they are mine.

I found this clip on youtube. You can also see it in greater clarity on the official website:

www.startrek.com/startrek/view/index.html

All Home

Finally, we are a complete family again. Josh returned home last night after a long semester and equally long 12 hour drive from school. It was so nice for the four of us to just sit and chat, laugh, reminisce, plan and giggle at our own silliness last night.

What an amazing blessing it is being part of this family. We are all so different and yet so similar. It is great to retreat behind the curtains, turn off the tv and just sit and chat. It's going to be a great summer with the four of us as busy as we will be, just being there.

I love the simple stuff, eating together, working around the house and hanging out. The only proble is that August is not that far away and Josh will be gone again until December. Oh well, makes for great entertainment in planning a family road trip to go visit.

Saturday (but not in the park)

Good morning, it's looking crummy already out there. Is this going to be one of those years where it is sunny all week and rainy all weekend? I truly hope not! Today is garage sale day in Elmira and we have lots of treasure for sale. My beloved loves these things, I, on the other hand would rather go to the dentist. I feel the same way on this day as when I used to be in sales, not sure why, that's just the way it is. We try to support each other in our individual endeavours and this is my turn to support her.

I listened to a radio program where Chuck Swindoll was speaking yesterday. I really like his speaking, writing and preaching. He was speaking on marriage and since our small group is working our way through a book about marriage, I was instantly drawn to his words. Once again, I was challenged by his speaking and God's word to love my wife. Those are empty words without the actions and behaviours that are needed to show love. And so, I am here helping with the garage sale, that's just one way to show my wife that I love her. It's all about placing her interests before mine.

That is not a popular thought and hasn't been for some time. I remember the 70's and reading "Looking out for #1" before we were married and my beloved having some concerns about the "theology" of the book. I now see that it is completely contrary to what I believe and try to strive towards when I say I love her. Looking out for her first is more important than what I want(unless of course it's looking out for her that I want).

We celebrate our 28th anniversary

Today, my beloved and I celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary. It is a little colder today than when we wed all those years ago. It rained on our wedding day and my Mom said that this was a good sign that our marriage would last. As usual, Mom was right. She left us a few years ago but I'm sure that she is looking down on us from heaven and smiling and saying I told you so, as she has a nice cup of tea and awaits the start of the leaf game. It would be great just to spend some time with her and talk about how the last few years have gone. 

Our marriage, like all other marriages has had its' share of speed bumps. We have seen ups and downs and there have been days when I am sure my beloved did not like me very much. We pledged to "have and to hold from this day forward for richer or poorer in sickness and in health and forsaking all others". we didn't have a video made (there were no video cameras back then), we had or may still have a tape recording of the service and there are pictures hidden away in an album which were taken inside the studio because of the rain. We have numerous photos taken by family and friends and we have many memories from that day.

We made a commitment to God and to each other and we will not break that commitment. I have learned to love my beloved more and more as time has passed and she has likewise learned the same towards me. Over the years we have participated in marriage seminars, read books, listened to tapes, watched videos and have even led numerous small groups of couples wishing to improve their marriages.

Recently we have discovered a book entitled "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs. The title finds its' beginnings in the book of Ephesians which was written by Saint Paul many years ago. The verse states that "husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her and wives respect your husbands". The book and study reveals that women want to "be loved" more than anything else and that men want to "be respected" in a similar fashion and that since it is a commandment there are no options. It has been a great tool in helping me to better understand and love my wife. There is nothing more that I want to do than to demonstrate my love for my beloved.

And now where do we go? We have developed a terrific friendship and a deep love for each other that grows daily. We support each others interests and even put up with things that we don't like. We believe that with each gift received that the person on the receiving end must find a way to "pay it forward" as the movie proposed. Recently Jo and I have been contacted my people who need help in their marriage and have asked us to walk alongside them as they work to improve their marriage. We make it very clear that we are not counsellors, but rather that we are willing to be mentors. The term mentor comes from Greek mythology, in which Odysseus leaves for the Trojan war and places his son Telemachus in the charge of Mentor who becomes a trusted friend, a teacher and counsellor in life.

We celebrate our anniversary by spending time with those whom we can learn from, with our children (in person and on skype) and alone just enjoying the company of each other. 

One year ago

It has been one year today since a friend left us so tragically.

The circumstances are before the courts and therefore I will make no comment on them.

I just spoke with her mother and children and this is already a very difficult day for them. It is also the celebration of the birthday of her son.

I suppose the question as to why and was there no other alternative ring heavily in my being. Yet, I cannot answer any questions at this time. I embrace the lives that are left behind and attempt to help others pick up the pieces little by little and assist them as they move through the fog of grieving.

Pain and sorrow are so real along with the multitude of other emotions that surprise with their appearance and then with their absence. I have come to the place where I am almost bereft of feelings except for anger.

I am angry with the decisions made and the resulting ripples that continue to flow away and "never come back". It's funny that in this dark post a song comes to mind appropriately called ripples.




May the remembrances of life and the passing of loved ones draw you closer to each other and to the One who knows everything and everyone and who holds the keys and authority for judgement.

Sharing a moment with my boy

I had an awesome experience with my boy the other night. he told me about a piece of music on YouTube that he wanted me to hear and see. So, there we were, he in Virginia and I here at home watching the following video and both of us almost in tears because of the beauty of the music. It was one of those special "understanding" moments between me and my boy. We both love music and while he is a much better (by a long stretch) musician we enjoy it together. Seeing each other on Skype was just beautiful.

Of course, the singer is Josh Groban and the exquisitely talented violinist is Lucia Micarelli. I think you might also know the very famous Canadian on the piano. 

I don't think my Josh realizes how much I appreciated those almost 6 minutes of "silence" together. I miss him when he is away at school and moving on with his life and I also know that letting go began the moment I first held him. His entire life has been my learning to let him become the person he was designed to be.

Here is the video and the first verse in english of this beautiful love song:

I’ll miss you, if you go away

I’ll miss your serenity

Your words like songs in the wind

And Love, that you take away.

 

Birthday weekend

It's been a busy time this weekend. It's my baby's birthday today, she just turned 18. It's also my sister Margaret's birthday tomorrow. She is ten years and one day older than I. I will be one year older on Tuesday. My great nephew turned 2 on the 6th and Jdub had a birthday on the 8th.

It's great to celebrate these milestones. We like to make a big deal about birthdays and Alex had breakfast in bed with her presents. She got cards from my sister Margaret and from Oma and Opa too. Josh called and serenaded her with the traditional big brother happy birthday.

All in all, it's been a great family day.

The Tooth Fairy

A little friend of mine (the same one I attended a hockey game with) lost his first tooth yesterday. It is a momentous occasion for any and all when that first tooth finally breaks free (with homage to Freddie Mercury who had lovely big teeth) and there it is waiting to be placed under a pillow in hopes that the tooth fairy might visit. Apparently, the tooth fairy did visit, however I have not yet been advised of the amount that was left for the tooth.

His story reminded me of one time when our daughter wrote a note to the tooth fairy asking for a raise. She's pretty smart, we kept the note for safekeeping and will give it to her when she moves out or maybe when she gets her first "big" job. She won't be shy about asking future employers about salary structure and such.

By the way, yes, she got a raise, I think we increased it to a toonie at that time. Not bad for a natural process such as the loss of a tooth. It's funny how simple events bring big smiles and memories. I am looking forward to a lifetime of memories with my little friend and his sister. I get to relive all the things I experienced with my own children. It is amazing that out of difficulty comes great pleasure if we choose to look for and experience it. If we do not, it is our loss.

Hockey with a six year old

I went to a hockey game last night with some friends (Thanks Dan). One of them was a six year old who was attending his "very first" live hockey game ever. I'm not so sure about the amount of hockey he has seen over his six years, so it was lots of fun to "see" the game as he "saw" it. We watched the game as he downed a huge bucket of popcorn and drank a large Pepsi. What an experience. I had so much fun watching him enjoy all the sights.

It was great to hear his observations and comments on the game that most of us would take for granted. Having watched hockey since 1969 (wow that's almost 40 years), I think I have a good handle on the game. Trying to explain the game to a youngster was so much fun. He had a very interesting reaction to the two fights that occurred in the game. Having not been indoctrinated in the game like most Canadian kids, he did not scream and cheer as the two pugilists bashed their bare knuckles on the opposing players helmets. He actually didn't notice the cheering throng, he just said, "it's not good to hit like that, is it?".

I restrained myself from pontificating on it "being part of the game" and maturely said, no it's not good to hit each other like that. He really liked the body checking though and since he's going to start hockey in a week, I made sure that he understood the rules that body checking would not be allowed until he is older.

He cheered for both teams, a noble gesture, but I think it was because I was cheering for the Leaf rookies and his Poppa was cheering for anyone but the Leaf rookies (in this case, the Pittsburgh Penguin rookies).

All in all, we had some fun, learned a bit about the game, got soaked as we walked to the truck(thanks for driving Rick) and got home before 8:30. You know, it just goes to show that quality time can be spent anywhere and last night was some good quality time at the rink with a six year old. I'll watch the game more carefully from now on, just to be able to take in the experience more and "see" the game as my little friend does. Maybe we'll do what most proper Canadians do and make Saturday night a night to watch the game and have a bit of fun.

Looking back over the years, I remember every time my kids went on the ice as either a player, a member of the staff or as an official, I said two words to them, "have fun". From this point forward, I'll say those same words to my little friend, and I'm sure he will.