Numb including the skull

Buried and memorialized in less than three days. How could it be over that quick?

After what seems like a lifetime of interaction, I will never see her again this side if heaven. What is positive about that? I am tired, angry, lost, hurt, so sad and in such a deep place right now. I want to talk with her again, I want to know how she is, I want to know if she has warmed up yet, the last time I touched her she was so cold, I hated it.

I know I'm not supposed to ask why. But I'm just not that good that I can't ask it. Why and how is this part of some perfect plan? Why couldn't she live longer, why did it have to be this way? How can the survivors manage given the depth of the loss? Never mind the rest of us with no blood relationship to her. I know that at some time all will be revealed and I will have a great big aha moment, but it just isn't working for me right now. I am so tired it seems that everything hurts right now.

There's been too much taken from these little ones. Am I jealous of her peace? You bet I am but I don't begrudge her of the absence of her pain, I am glad for that, but why did it have to be this way? I can't seem to find the peace to this right now.

I haven't cried this much ever. I cried during church today because the songs reminded me so much of her. I cried when I was finishing her eulogy on the computer. I cried when I practiced the song for her in sound checks. But when it came time to deliver, I made it through. I have the ability to turn that part off when needed, but now I can't turn this part off.

I need sleep. I am hurting so much and I am so numb at the same time. I am hurting physically, emotionally and even spiritually. Is there an answer? Do I just do what I told all these people to do today? I'm not sure I believe myself anymore I don't even know what I believe, I need sleep and soon.

To sleep perchance to dream. No thanks, I have no interest in dreaming right now, I just want to shut the lines down and rest. The demands of tomorrow scare me, how can I perform well given what I just went through?

I am numb and angry, sad and tired, lonely for her voice and her gentle voice to talk to the shepherd, he'll know, he'll understand, he's been lonely, sad, hurt, numb, he's been there.

I hate it cancer and death stink.