Waves of Grief

I can't remember it being like this. The grief comes and goes like massive waves crashing on me like the ocean. There are relative times of peace or is it just distraction? Then the next wave comes and it washes over me and is bitter like the gallons of salt water at the sea.

I can't and won't control it. It is a message that I still have a heart. I want to cry again but I am now afraid that I won't stop again. Once again that fear of losing it to the despair sits on my shoulder and says go ahead and see what happens.

What love is this, that I miss you so much that I need constant distraction to drive you out. I don't want to drive you out though, I want to remember you and I want to smile and laugh with abandon and in joy. I can't look at the pictures yet, I can't see you like that, I have to remember you before cancer eat it's way through your beautiful body. More than a shell you were, you were a vessel of great beauty that was used to reflect His great joy and peace to so many other people.

The waves still crash on this ragged shore. He had no idea what collateral damage would be when he acted out  2 years ago. He had no clue because he was so selfish and because of that many more are left to mourn a greater loss.

What a weird thought, if he hadn't done it, then I wouldn't have this loss to speak about. Not that I am about to thank him, but it does make me think and know that all these actions are related and someone is in control, no matter what.