unknown commenters # 2

It just may have worked. I was given a suggestion by a work colleague (thanks again Jon) who said that it was probably spam that was auto-commenting on the blog. I haven't received any comments in 11 days.

So, after next week, I may unleash the freedom to comment again, have patience.

New Reading Material

As posted earlier, I am reading the original trilogy, The Lord of The Rings this summer. I am going through it pretty slowly for s few reasons, one; I can't sit that long, two; OI am still feeling the affects of pain killers and they are affecting my ability to comprehend, and three; I am enjoying the slow read and finding new (I think) details.

I received a get well call from a friend from the "Sault". He is aptly named "leaner" (in RTWM circles) due to his propensity to lean when he has had a few to many. The leaner suggested I read some books about some tattooed lady, or something like that. I referred to the original trilogy because this series is about the "girl with the dragon tattoo". Oh yeah, the first one is over 800 pages, should be fun.

So, wish me "happy reading" as I re-enter the world of crime, at least in fiction.

The view from the passenger seat

I have been dutifully sitting in the passenger seat for 6 weeks now. If you know me, you will know that I am not the best passenger in the world. I admit that it's a control thing, but I have hated being a passenger in my own car. Yet today as we spent some time alone, I looked and saw such wonderful beauty in the landscape not far from our home. I saw so much and this is just another blessing that has come from my surgery. Yes I feel better already, but I have seen so much more by being a passenger.

It kinda makes me want to go hmm. To voluntarily give up control to someone else is not a bad thing. Of course, one needs to completely relinquish all and take one's hands off to get to this point. I was forced to be a passenger because of a medical issue, so it was not completely voluntary, but the message that slams into me is this: what else do I need to let go of before it is taken from me? That scares me to be honest. Is it my beloved, my kids, another family member, my career or even my life.

The benefit is that everything looks better from the passenger seat. When I gave up control, I saw the beauty of everything. Am I willing to give up and let go of the other things in my life so that I can really see them for what they are? These are not just rhetorical questions, these require me to act. These require me to will myself to let go, to have my fingers pried off and to say that I do not have all the answers. I am tired of fighting and squeezing. What's it going to take to have me let go? I am unwilling to risk force and I think my attention has been made to stand up.

I have driven a few times since being given permission. But today was the longest distance and the greatest amount of time that I have spent behind the steering wheel. Today, I drove for about a half hour. I have spent many years driving and have driven long distances but I have not really felt the utter exhaustion I felt after the thirty minutes I drove this morning. I needed to let go and I did. A very good lesson was learned today, let's see if it sticks.

6 weeks and counting

I made it. It is now six weeks since the surgery and I feel fine. Well, not fine as in completely healed, but fine in that I am getting better. That continuum is somewhat longer than I thought. It seems that every time I go through these surgeries, the most recent was my tenth (10Th) bone related surgery. That's a lot of work, if it was plastic surgery, I'd already be someone different, that's a scary thought, good thing comments have been put on hold.

Oh well, I am now six weeks post major surgery to repair a back that was even more damaged than the surgeon thought. I am walking more, I am resting more, I am sleeping better, but, I feel like I have hit a plateau and it freaks me out. My beloved tells me that I used the exact words the last time (just over two years ago), to express me frustration with the state of recovery that I am in. So, I guess I need to keep counting and to remember the past.

In the spiritual world we are reminded to remember the former times when God did so much for us. The people of Israel are reminded to look back to the original Exodus. We have (at least I have), in my life, many experiences not too unlike the Exodus, where I can remember God working out the details when I could not even think through the initial steps. He was and continues to be true to His word, He says that "I will never leave you or forsake you" and so, in my time of frustration of being "stuck" or at a plateau, I need to look back to the "former times" and remember, believe and trust. That's a definition of faith for me.

Six weeks ago, I was on an operating table, I trusted God and the surgeon, He chose to fix my back and it was and is a long term agreement. I will continue to trust both of them, but God gets first billing, sorry Dr. M.

It's Quiet and I am thinking

They've all gone to church and I am left alone with my thoughts and a few sounds: the tapping on the keyboard, the usual rumbling of the house as it settles and the rare car as it travels on it's lonely ride down the on the road. And it's quiet.

I love the times when I can sit in relative quiet and think.

Sometime the thoughts are ones of great joy, like yesterday's celebration of my beloved's birthday. We had a small celebration, not like one for someone who is eleventyone, but small and only with family in attendance. She turned (where did that phrase come from anyway) 50 yesterday. She didn't want a big celebration because she knew that it would have caused me to expend too much energy while I am still in recovery mode. That's just one thing that is so special about my beloved. I would write more, but she reads this and does not like attention drawn to herself. So, she is amazing, beautiful, gifted, gentle, generous, kind and she has been mine for almost 30 years and I love her.

In quiet times like this I think and pray for those I care about and I wonder when the dreaded will occur. In the midst of that fear I am comforted by the knowledge that when it does happen she will be with Him and she will have no more pain.

It's quiet, and I am thinking........................

baby's been bit by a bug

Yes I know a terrible and manufactured attempt at alliteration. I guess I'll get a "b" for the attempt. Maybe something less for the humour, oh well.

My baby girl, aka my daughter and youngest child has developed a wonderful love for travel. I suppose we are to blame, but she has taken the flights to new heights and breadths. When she was young we took regular trips to Florida and even took her to Cuba. But she has been to farther fields than I have ever been and she is still very young.

Just this summer she has been to (in order): England, Denmark, Germany, France, Italy, Ireland (she had to visit the places I walked and where I went to school and where I was born, then back to England to make the uneventful (and parental demanding) trip back to Canada.

And now there's more, she wants to see Canada, at least the western portion before she returns to Ecuador (on yet another missions trip) and all this before she attends school in Virginia (in her brother's footsteps) to study to be a nurse. In the spirit of Tolkien and my summer reading plan, "the road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began" at least for her.

Me, I'm gonna go from the bedroom to the deck to the kitchen to the next comfortable place to sit and rest because her trips tire me out. Oh, the good news, she paid for and will continue to pay for all these trips herself. I guess this is one person who understands self reliance (inside joke for some of you who know me in a different world).

So, what's the point of this post? I love my kids, I love my wife more and to be honest, I have truly enjoyed empty nesting when it arrived earlier this summer. But(you knew there had to be a but), I worry. I know I profess faith and with that faith worry is not exactly a positive virtue. I think about her (and her older brother) when they travel and wonder and worry about their safety.

Letting go gets harder as they grow older and there's no antidote for this bug, oh bother!

Some changes

OK, so a work colleague gave me a hint to try to get rid of the "spam" that is the oriental commenters. Thanks Jon. I have made some changes that should hopefully eliminate the unwanted and unreadable comments.

Home

I've been thinking about home a lot lately.

Home means so much to so many people. I don't have a home to go to. That is, since both my parents have passed, there is no longer a family home to go to. I miss that. We have a home that I love and truly enjoy being here. It is the home that my I, my beloved and my children retreat to when life gets tough, or when life is so good. There really is no place like home.

Home for me is also in another country. I was born in Ireland. My daughter was there recently and went to the church I attended, the schools I attended, and was even in the house beside the one where I was born. I am so jealous of her. Not in a bad way, but in that "I wish I was with her when she experienced that place" way. I know I have posted about "home" before, but the longing is getting stronger.

I think part of this longing is due to my choice of reading material these days. I am just at the part of the story where Frodo is leaving home, possibly never to return. He is 50 as he leaves and I am close to that age. I am not interested in some lengthy, death defying adventure, but I do want to go home. It's not the adventure and the possibility of new experiences that I want, I am looking for familiarity (whether or not it breeds contempt) and I want to see the beauty of that land again with eyes wide open.

I'll be spending some time working on this one, particularly if this trip is with my beloved. It may be part of a bigger trip that may involve the Netherlands (her ancestry). It just might be me alone just one last visit, one last walk along the Liffey, one last walk in Glasnevin, one last visit to #5 and one last visit to that terrible beauty.

Reading in the sunshine

Oh what a glorious day it has been.

I spent some time reading The Lord of The Rings and listening to the soundtrack of all three films at the same time. I didn't get through all the sound tracks mind you, but I did get through about half the first chapter. For accuracy's sake, I read from half the first chapter to half the second chapter.

I am amazed how much more detail I get each time I read the book. I haven't read them in years, but there is so much to get from them. In fact, one of my favourite quotes is from the first portion of the book. In the film, it is saved for Gandalf's chat with Frodo while stuck in Moria, but in the book it actually happens in Bag End. Frodo exclaims: "I wish it need not have happened in my time" and Gandalf says to Frodo, "so do I , and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us".

Wow, "all" is so encompassing, "decide" is so powerful, "time" is limited by what is "given" to us. To be sure the events that life has given me over the last two plus years have provided me with an array of experiences. Just sitting in the sunshine, enjoying words and music cause me to think so much about life. Life, with is seeming unfairness sometimes stinks. In spite of the depth of my faith, I sometimes just want to rail at life and scream why! Maybe it's the depth that stops me when I look at people like Job or Paul or Peter or Jesus and see that they too lived a life that was "unfair". I recall my retort to my children when they complained about the unfairness of life and I would say: "life's not fair" and it isn't.

Reading in the sunshine reminds me that in the beauty of all that is good, there remains that which is evil and because of that evil we live in an unfair and imperfect world. All I have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to me................hmm what will I decide to do?

The boy has become a Man, part deux.

This morning, I had the memorable opportunity to hear my son preach. he is not training to be a preacher, but he was asked to do so at the church where he is serving this summer. I have had the privilege to sit and be lead in worship by him on several occasions, but this was a new opportunity.

He preached well, he spoke well and he presented a clear and challenging message. To say I am proud would be an understatement. The thing I am most proud of from this morning is his openness and vulnerability. He openly spoke of the challenges he has experienced over the last few years and how they have been used to prune his life.

He clearly has developed into a fine young man (if I do say so myself) and is open to being lead by God as he travels the path before him. Taking time to stand back and view both of my children as young adults is both hard and beneficial. I see my mistakes and I see their choices to become better people than I could have imagined and I am thankful.